Food porn is back, kittens!

I know it's been a shamefully long time since I last posted food porn. Please, hold your produce.

Seriously? Who threw that?

Anywho, you all have my lovely momma to thank for my bringing you this food porn. Because I'm terrible daughter and I'm about three holidays in baking debt, she demanded nothing short of excellence for her birthday this year. I could tell there was no fucking way I was getting off the hook...

She asked me for entremet. Not that particular one, but it's basically a multi-layered dessert with contrasting flavors and textures. My only response to her was, 'why do you hate me?'

She replied with some blah blah blah about challenging my skills and demanding excellence and I wasn't really listening.

So I look up recipes for entremet. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, all these damn recipes are in metric form. I'm too lazy to convert them. Eff that ess. I'll do what I do well. I'll make something up.

Her primary request was that it be chocolate. Easy enough. Without further ado, here is my version of entremet (I apologize to your bandwidth):

I decided my stable layers would consist of Ghirardelli devil's food cake. Four layers, to be precise.

Oh yes, bitches. I went there. I made an ICE CREAM ENTREMET. My mom loves coffee, so I figured this should have an interesting texture, and you can't go wrong with Ben and Jerry!

One layer of devil's food cake sprinkled with coffee, then Coffee Heath Bar Crunch ice cream. It looks fabulous already!

For my middle filling layer, I chose to go with chocolate mousse. Something light to contrast the heaviness of the ice cream. Forgot to take a photo of the spread layer though. I fail.

What contrasts coffee? Peanut fucking butter, kittens! And I thought the pretzel would be pretty cool to add some extra crunch.

Yes, this was as time consuming as it looks. But pretty, so worth it. :)

I used a springform pan to hold it together while it set in the freezer. I used one that was too big. Oops. Whatever, it worked.

It's the leaning tower of Cheeza! (Bad Goofy Movie reference)

Was I done? Oh, no, kittens. I wasn't done. My mom loves dark chocolate, so I made Ghirardelli 60% bittersweet chocolate ganache to cover the whole thing! It ended up being too bitter with the devils food cake, so next time I'll use milk. Still, MOAR CHOKLIT!

So pretty and shiny...

Very impressive looking, no?

My dad's verdict: "It's like 1,000 pornographic orgasms". My mom loved it.

I'm fucking screwed for her birthday next year...

Food porn and a new template!

So many exciting things to see and salivate over!

I needed a change, kittens, so here it is! A fresh, new and sassy template for you to feast your eyes on.

And speaking of things to feast your eyes on, have I got some food porn to catch up on. Holy schneikes. Chocolate ruffle cake, brownies, and other assorted delicious confections that will make you wish you lived in my kitchen. :)

For now, we'll start with the most beautiful (not to mention challenging) dessert I've made to date. Chocolate Ruffle Cake!

It was sent to me by a gentleman who won a contest at my mom's workplace for a free cake. He wanted to try it, but didn't want to make it himself. So he asked me to make it. It's a chocolate genoise cake filled with chocolate and vanilla creme fraiche and raspberries, brushed with framboise syrup, topped with chocolate ruffles and wrapped in chocolate.

I'll pause for a moment while you go get yourself a towel.

It all starts with the chocolate genoise, of course. It's an easy cake to make, requiring only butter, vanilla extract, flour, cocoa powder, eggs and sugar. The recipe tells you to combine the eggs and sugar in a large, heat safe glass bowl and heat over DIRECT HEAT. Being the dipshit blonde I can be sometimes, I put the glass bowl directly on the burner. Did you know that Pyrex sounds like a gunshot when it explodes? Not to mention how much fun it is to clean sugar/egg mixture from underneath your stovetop. Off to WalMart to buy a new bowl. Aaaaand, take two. This time I put the bowl over a pot of boiling water, and heated the mix to the instructed temperature. Much better. After following the rest of the instructions for the genoise, I pull this pretty, dense and beautifully crumbed cake from the oven:

The most interesting part, in my opinion, was the creme fraiche. It's apparently some sort of delicacy, because you can't find it in a normal grocery store. And rumor has it that if you CAN find it, it's hella expensive. So I searched the intarwebz for a recipe and made my own creme fraiche. (Note to you all; creme fraiche needs to sit at room temperature for about three days before it's ready.) It was a delightful new experience to the tastebuds; thick, creamy, with a sour nutty flavor. Add some sugar and vanilla extract, and it's absolutely delicious once it's whipped:

Once you're ready to fill the cake (seriously, this cake took me four days from start to finish), you torte the genoise into three layers. Then you make the framboise syrup, which consists of water, sugar, and white rum. I KNOW, RIGHT?!

You take an 8" springform pan, line the bottom with parchment paper, and gently put in the bottom layer. Brush it with framboise syrup, then fill it with chocolate creme fraiche. Brush the bottom of the next layer with syrup, and ease it on top of the filling. Then, brush the top and layer with fresh raspberries. Cover the raspberries with vanilla creme fraiche, then brush the bottom of the top layer with syrup. Ease it over the filling, then brush the top with syrup. Refrigerate overnight, loosen the sides of the pan, and this is what you get:

Doesn't look like much yet, but it's gonna be gorgeous! Next, you make the wrap. All you do is spread melted chocolate over parchment paper and carefully press it into the sides. Refrigerate for a few hours until the paper peels away easily. Then top with the remaining creme fraiche and prepared chocolate ruffles, with a single pretty raspberry:

No, I wasn't naked, just in short shorts. :)

Here's what the finished project looks like:

Have you drooled all over your keyboards? I know it was tough for me not to keep a slice for myself. Unfortunately, I didn't get to try any... But they said it was amazing. :) I'm waiting for a special enough occasion to try making this for myself. Or at least to make it for someone who will save me a piece to try. :)

Sex on your screen...

No, I'm not talking about skanky-Barbie-humping-ugly-guy porn. You dirty hussies.

(Shh, I look at porn too. It's okay - healthy, even!)

I'm referring to Food Porn. Yes, it deserves capitalization. You haven't had Food Porn in, well, just way too damn long, kittens!

Because I'm a dumbass and forgot to take any other photos of it, here's a pic of my very first attempt at cheesecake. Orange Delight Cheesecake. It's a delicious lightly flavored orange filling, chocolate crust, and topped with a chocolate drizzle.

It was as delicious as it looks. ;) The photo above was of my mom's second piece.

My determination for making this cheesecake is unmatched; I saw Tiramisu Cheesecake, and I just had to make it. So here we see my chocolate crust (made of crushed chocolate Teddy Grahams, because you can't fucking find chocolate graham crackers anymore).

Now, the recipe touts that marscapone cheese is supposed to make this cheesecake extra-rich. Well, it called for 8 oz marscapone, and 16 oz regular cream cheese. I like things very, very rich. So 24 oz of marscapone it was. The recipe also called for ladyfingers, but I forgot to make them and couldn't find them at the grocery store. So I used vanilla pound cake instead. It worked out, meh, so/so.

I will be the first to tell you this - MARSCAPONE TAKES FOREVER TO BAKE. Don't be stupid and use all marscapone. It doesn't work that well. But, being the diligent baker I am, I just lowered the temp to 200 degrees and let it bake. It did come out with a lovely golden brown crust on top of the filling, though. Silver linings and unicorn farts, people.

Et voila! Tiramisu cheesecake. Filling comprised of marscapone, sugar, egg, vanilla, and coffee-laced rum. Then you top it with sour cream while it's hot (it adds to the flavor, I swear). It called for a dusting of unsweetened cocoa powder, but I said fuck that and grated semi-sweet chocolate over it all. Much prettier. :)

Springform pans are WIN. I cannot imagine making cheesecake sans springform. The crust was a bit overdone, but next time I'll be smart enough to down it back to the called-for amount of marscapone and I'll make homemade ladyfingers.

It was still orgasmically delicious. ;)

Dream about that tonight, kittens. I'm off to help Erf figure out his FaceSpace... lmao.

No I'm not dead!

I'm sorry, my kittens, that I haven't written in quite some time. You see, on Wednesday my computer's network connection crashed. Thursday a guy came in to look at it, and got me reconnected. Then my computer kept crashing, and then I lost my connection again. It was a mess... However, if you're good kittens and you follow me on Twitter, you already knew all this.

Now because all of you are such good little kittens and you love my food porn, I thought that it was time to let you in on some of my super-secret baking tips... :)

I have some photos to accompany tips, but not all the tips have photos. (Ha, dirty!)

First up, tips on my favorite pie to bake; Apple Pie!

AP tip #1: Invest in an apple corer similar to this one:

It cut my apple filling prep time in 1/2, seriously.

AP tip #2: If you take my sage advice and invest in an apple corer, the easiest way to get the core out seems to be to cut it off as close as possible to the slicer and use the handle of the knife to push it out of the bottom. Using your fingers can = owies. I've sliced my thumb trying to push it through with my fingers.

AP tip #3: Invest in some disposable plastic food prep gloves. I used to spend at least 10 minutes trying to get all the sugar/cinnamon grit out from underneath my fingernails... Until I made my decision to go into 'business' and bought the gloves for sanitary reasons. And then a whole new world of grit-less fingernails opened up to me. Put on the gloves before tossing the apples and while you're adjusting the apples in the crust.

Random tip regarding limes/lemons/oranges/juice-able fruits: Invest in a microplaner similar to this one, and a juicer like the one above. I can get up to 3/4 of a cup of juice from a single lemon with one of those bad boys... And in the background, you can see how nicely the microplaner works for harvesting citrus peel for miscellaneous recipes. **Related non-baking tip** If your kids are picky and don't like eating onions in their food, use the microplaner to grate in the onion; it makes it mushy, but you get all the onion flavor without the chunks. I'm a picky eater, and we tried this last night for a new dish; it worked nicely, but it does take quite a bit of elbow grease to get a substantial amount of onion to grate.

Some cookie tips!

Balled cookie tip: For cookies like sugar cookies and peanut-butter cookies, refrigerate at least two hours before shaping and use a smaller ice-cream scoop like this one, and then shape into a ball with your hand.

Now, on to the main event! Pastry crust!

#1: Measure your ingredients accurately. Too much of any specific ingredient can cause a multitude of mishaps. Stir the flour before measuring, it helps.

#2: Cut in your shortening until it looks like this:

#3: Use ICE COLD water, and toss with a fork until it looks like this:

#4: If your dough isn't rolling right, try wrapping it tightly with Saran Wrap and refrigerating it for an hour or so.

#5: Once you have your dough rolled (be sure to keep that board floured to prevent sticking!), put the rolling pin at the top of the dough and roll back, wrapping the dough around the pin. Ease it over the pie pan to prevent tears.

#6: Pie pans... Glass and dull metal are the best. Shiny metal pie pans can cause the bottom of your crust to come out soggy. Aluminum are smaller than standard, so if you use them buy the deep dish. Ceramics, same thing. They're not always the proper size. I like Pyrex glass pie pans, they're like $4 at Walmart and work beautifully.

#7: When making a baked pie shell, line the pan with a double-layer of aluminum foil, and remove before putting in the pastry. That way you're not puncturing holes in the crust with the foil. :)

It's Food Porn once more!

So a month or so ago, my friend Meghan had the brilliant idea to have a chocolate party. She had tried something chocolate that I had made, and realized that it would be fun to get a bunch of ladies together for a chocolate sample party!

Then she decided to go simply crazy! She had a Mary Kay party co-mingled with the chocolate. Cause chocolate? Great selling tactic. Even if you're not going to buy anything, you're getting free chocolate!

So she placed her order: a French Silk pie, an 8th Deadly Sin pie, a Double Chocolate Orange Torte, and Strawberry Shortcake Cookies. The 8th Deadly and Strawberry Shortcake recipes are ones that I created myself; the cookies I made especially for Ooh Law Law. :)

We met at a local Mexican restaurant and planned; and I remembered the cute mini tart pans I bought a few months ago. The idea for the mini-pie was hatched. Cookies are self-serve no matter what, and the torte would just be cut up prior to serving.

I'll have to split this into two posts, as I'm sure 16 photos are a bit much for one post. :)

Chocolate crust for the 8th Deadly Sin - too cute!

They're just sitting there, waiting for the cinnamon french silk, ganache and whipped cream...

Ah, there we go! Being a smart cookie (some would just call me a smartass, but whatevs), I piped different designs on each kind of pie so we could tell them apart. Stars seemed to work well for my 8th Deadly pies...

But I went with a shell/swirl combination for my French Silk.

Here are all my pretty ladies. Wouldn't they be perfect for something like a baby shower?!

Next up on my list; Double Chocolate Orange torte. A chocolate orange cake (made with fresh-squeezed orange juice and orange zest), filled with orange marmalade, drenched in a luscious chocolate ganache frosting, and garnished with hand-piped chocolate and a fanned strawberry.

Because Meghan was calling it a Chocolate Decadence party, I piped that out for the garnish.

(This is the side that says, 'Chocolate', by the way...)

And 'Decadence'.

Tomorrow, Strawberry Shortcake Cookies and the pretty place cards Meghan's mom created for the goodies...

Dun, duh da dah! Food porn!

I know, I know... I haven't posted food porn in quite some time, but this is the first real order I've had. There will be more food porn coming soon, I have a big order coming up for October 17th... Two pies, two dozen cookies and another Double Chocolate torte - but orange this time!

Before I commence with the drool-worthyness that is my food porn, I have a few rants to go on about. Don't worry, it's nothing too full of The Sewious.

Numero Uno. Why is it that old women who bathe in that baby powder/bug spray/musk perfume always move in gaggles and always climb on elevators in threes? Seriously, I get it. You're thinking that the Avon perfume is all full of The Awesome. Really, we're in 2009, not 1909. Get a new perfume.

Numero Dos. We have two main elevators and a service elevator in our 8-floor building. The two main elevator banks have been out 'For Repairs' for almost three weeks now. Can I even relay to you how annoying it is to pinch your cheeks walking down the stairs because the elevator takes FOREVER? Building Owner: FIX THE FUCKING ELEVATORS. SOON. Kthxbai.

Numero Tres. The phone. It needs to stop motherfucking ringing. Seriously, people. I've put 7 messages in the box for the Mulletted One in the last 10 minutes. SHUT UP.

Numero Quattro. I really don't like being asked random stupid law questions. I'm a fucking receptionist, not the attorney. I don't know if that pot plant you own in Brazil is really illegal or not, nor do I care. Call during business hours, I'll be happy to take a message. Or maybe I'll be happy to take some Percocet. Yeah, pretty sure it's the latter.

Okay, on to the food porn!

I had an order for Raspberry Chiffon pie. Three of them, to be exact. They are, well... Very pretty to say the least. :)

You begin with 12 oz of frozen raspberries for each pie. Yep, 36 oz of frozen raspberries. You warm them until they being sweating their juices (ooh, dirty!), add pectin and sugar, and sieve it.

Yeah, that was a HUGE pain in my ass. I can't get all the seeds out of my sieve. Will have to soak.

You take a baked pie shell (yes, I make mine from scratch)...

and once the jelly is cooled to room temp you fold in fresh raspberries. Then you fill the bottom of the shell with the mixture. Mmm, glisteningly pretty homemade jelly...

Pretty, pretty pink chiffon layer... Raspberry jelly, raspberry gelatin, cream cheese, and heavy whipping cream. It looks like one of the pies in the end segment of Waitress, doesn't it?

BTW, if you haven't seen Waitress, go rent it. I fucking love that movie. It has Nathan Fillion in it!

Then, to top it off (literally) homemade vanilla whipped cream frosting. Because sweetened whipped cream doesn't hold it's form when piped, you make frosting with it instead. Intriguing, no? And for good measure, a garnish of a fresh raspberry. Gotta break up the monotony of the white. :)

Voila. May I hand you a tissue or perhaps a mop for the drool?

You'd think it'd be EASY to find fucking acorns in the fall.

So I'm instant messaging with my mom yesterday, and she asks me if I can 'pull a few dozen cupcakes out of my ass' for tomorrow. I get the details from her, and plan a shopping trip to Michael's as I need an M1 frosting tip and a box... At the very least. My mom asks if I could put acorns on the top of said cupcakes. I told her that due to time constraints, I wasn't going to try and make myself go crazy hand-molding teeny tiny acorns out of fondant; but I'd see what I could find at Michael's.

It took us (my aunt and I) half a fucking hour to find something with acorns in Michael's. This is fucking September, people! Acorns are synonymous with things like Halloween and Thanksgiving. WTF? I finally found little acrylic acorns, and here are the results:

Mmm, chocolate cake batter in cupcake liners!

Look at how much prettier cupcakes look when you use the large M1 tip! Mmm, swirly. And don't the acrylic acorns look like they're back lit or something? Absolutely luminous!

Unfortunately in my opinion, they look like hybrid boob-penises up close. But ooh, look! Swirly frosting!

Lonely un-acorned cupcakes... I had six extra, and I really didn't want to put acorns on them. Pretty swirly!

Seriously... Vanilla buttercream and chocolate cupcake. The cupcakes themselves were perfect. I'm such a mega baking goddess.

Now that I've suckled you into my web of sugary food-porn, I have a more serious topic to blog about.

Why is it that once you have a child, people are so eager to come and see you when that child is a newborn (thus unable to crawl/walk/run and get into things) but not once the child gets older? When the Erf-let (son's new nickname as he looks EXACTLY like his father)(Except for my beautiful blue eyes and long eyelashes) got older, the visits dwindled... Not that there were all that many to begin with.

I have a toddler, and people complain that I don't take time out of my schedule to come and visit them. Are you mothercocking kidding me?

Your houses usually aren't child-proofed, and I spend more time running around after him (in some cases) than I do visiting with you. My house is reasonably child-proofed, and I know it's a place I can trust him to run around in and not get into too much trouble. Why is it such a big deal for you to come to me?

And yes, I do go to their houses 95% of the time, so I can complain about this until the cows come home... Or until Kanye interrupts me, either or. (Seriously, that's one of the best websites EVER)

When confronted by one person in particular as to why I hadn't been to their house in a while, I responded with, "Well, it works both ways. You can come to my house, too."

"Oh, no. That's not the way it works." was my response.

So I ask, why not? Why shouldn't it be at least 60/40? When I visit with friends and family, I want to relax. I want to be able to speak for the most part.

It's not that I mind going to other people's houses... I just don't want to always be the visitor. I like playing hostess. I like entertaining people. Most people will tell you that if you come visit me in the evening, I'll feed you. I'm a decent cook and a fabulous baker...

WHY DON'T MORE PEOPLE WANT TO COME SEE ME?!

What do you think, fair Intarwebs? Do you agree that I should be doing more visiting than receiving? Or do you agree that I should be visited at least 40% of the time?

Bah wizzers anyhow.

I am so going to lose street cred for this.

Wait a minute. I'm as un-ghetto as they come. What the hell am I worried about losing street cred for? I didn't have any to begin with!

So I'm going to embrace my inner neo-maxi zoom dweebie.

(For those of you who didn't see The Breakfast Club, it's just slang for a big dork.)

And if you haven't seen TBC, you fail. Seriously. 80's flicks, for the win!

Now that I'm walking on thin ice, I might as well dance. (Props to Ooh Law Law, she's the one who told me that)

I am a Twilight fan. Put the rotten fruit away. Seriously. If you throw that at me, I'll get really mad. I may even stomp my foot.

My 17 year-old sister hooked me on Twilight. I had heard about it via Facebook status updates, but I hadn't fully appreciated the addiction until I chewed through Twilight in less than 24 hours. I couldn't put it down.

Yes, I am a squealy 15 year old girl on the inside. No, I don't have a crush on Robert Pattinson. Ew. I think Edward is a bit weird and controlling, but the epic romance of it all... Oh, how it delights me. When a book is good, I go through stomach emotions. Similar to a roller coaster. My stomach dropped when Edward left Bella in New Moon. It twisted when she admitted she loved Jacob in Eclipse. It flip-flopped at the wedding in Breaking Dawn.

I waited patiently on my library's wait list for New Moon as my sister didn't have it at the time. I know, right? How dare she get me hooked and then fail to supply the sequel! I finally got it, and speed-read through it. Then awaited my turn for Eclipse. Breaking Dawn came even faster. And then I invested in the box set for my own delight.

You'll be ashamed to learn I've read them multiple times.

Embarrassing book preferences aside (yes, I also like reading trash like Harlequin books...)(Yes, you can laugh at me, I know they're stupid.), I wasn't a very big fan of the movie Twilight. I don't think Catherine Hardwicke did it justice. There were so many things that got flip-flopped about and the whole movie had a sort of 'blah' quality to it.

New Moon, however... New Moon has a promising outlook. The costumes, makeup and effects look (from the trailers, anyhow) to be far superior to Twilight's. You can check out the new trailer here, because I'm too stoopid to know how to embed it directly into my blog. Dar-de-nar-nar.

My squealing tweenage self is emerging, because I really did squeal with delight watching the trailer. And Erf (that's hubby's new nickname, because calling him hubby seems stoopid) and I are going to see it in theatres. I don't CARE if you all think I'm lame. Cause I am, a little bit.

To redeem myself, I offer this as a sacrifice on the Altar Of Excellence:

I forgot to take a salivating-ly delish picture of the last time I made slow-baked boneless ribs. So I offer this upon the Altar. I marinated them overnight, and baked them from 11 am until 6 pm, and served them with corn on the cob and mashed pertaters. Yes, I soaked my potatoes in sour cream. I always do. And yes, my corn is eaten. I didn't think to snap a pic until after I had eaten my corn and taken a few bites of my ribs.

Please, love me again?

You know you want to; I'm so delightfully white trash, with a dash of squealing tween.

Movie reviews and orgasmically good boneless beef ribs

I live a few blocks away from a video store called Movie Gallery... Which is, you know, awesome. Because our old (teeny-tiny-no-shower-no-AC-upstairs-in-the-land-that-time-forgot) apartment was a good 10 minute drive (EACH WAY!!!) to the nearest video rental portal. Hubby and I haven't put out the money for cable TV - ever - since we've had our own place. And you know what? I'm pretty okay with that. We just rent and watch movies instead.

When we lived in Fargo, ND -

(yes, get the "Eh there!"s out of your system)(seriously, I'm waiting.)(Shut up, it was actually filmed in Bemidji, MN not Fargo, ND.)(And yes, we Minnesotans really do say, "Doan't youa look cyoot in dem dere boo-ahts!")

- we joined that Blockbuster thing where you paid so much a month, could have so many films out at a time, and could exchange them as often as you wanted. I'm not even fucking kidding you when I tell you that the staff knew us by name.

We loved it. However, when we moved back to this shitty town, the nearest Blockbuster was a 25 minute drive each way. Not long after moving back (within 4 months) we had our bouncing bundle of penis-equipped joy and no jobs. No jobs = no money. Thems were some tough times, and our family helped us out so many times I don't even know why they speak to us anymore.

Oh wait, it's cause I'm awesome and everyone loves me. Duh! :)

Anyhow, there weren't any closer video stores that had a similar plan - UNTIL NOW. Yes, people. For $40 a month (which we spend in two trips to the video rental portal) we can have out three movies or two games and one movie and exchange the disks as often as we like.

*gameshow host voice* But that's not all! */gameshow host voice*

We also get 50% off of Pre-Viewed movies (Which, awesome.) and 10% off of concessions.

Jesus, when did this become a post touting the pros of the Power Play deal? Bah.

Anyhow, I enrolled in said plan on Friday, and since then have rented:

Confessions Of A Shopaholic

I Love You, Man

Fast And Furious

Enchanted

and Rachel Getting Married.

The only one I had seen already was Enchanted.

Confessions of a Shopaholic

I gave it a C-. The cast was fabulous and perhaps I would have liked it more if I had read the book. The plot was so/so.

I Love You, Man

A solid B. It was hilarious - especially the projectile vomit part - but the ending sort of blew.

Rachel Getting Married

An A, for sure. My only complaint was all the stupid (and in my un-humble opinion, unnecessary) crap with the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner toasts. Once Kym (Anne Hathaway) starts talking, the movie picks right up like a crack whore getting her second wind. My heart broke for Kym over and over again, I wanted to love her and make her okay again. And you will need a box of tissues.

Fast And Furious

Okay, so this one starts off with a panty-dropping action sequence. I figuratively creamed my panties. After cleaning up my panties, I'd have to give it a C+. The action sequences alone are worth the watch, but the plot leaves something to be desired.

I think tonight I'm going to get 12 Rounds and perhaps Race To Witch Mountain or something equally fantastical. :)

Saturday night I bought a little over 2 1/2 pounds of boneless beef ribs at WalMart. Usually their produce and meat sections blow like a nickel whore with a pocket full of quarters, but these were pretty damned good. I marinated them overnight in KC Masterpiece's Steakhouse marinade (I'd do steak in that stuff, too) and baked them at 300 degrees from about 11:00 am until we ate around 6:00. I couldn't lift them with the tongs, I had to scoop them out.

The best part? They tasted like tender, flaky beef jerky. So Son ate them without a fuss!

Mommy: 1 Son: 4,509,927.

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles...

So, for your bakery-related entertainment, I present to you a double feature!

We have today, for your drool-worthy delight, a chocolate half-sheet cake decorated as a Vikings-themed football field, and a Double Chocolate Raspberry torte coated with ganache and accented with a drizzled chocolate lace garnish.

Chocolate cake batter - a delicious amalgamation that includes butter, chocolate, eggs and vanilla. Everything a growing girl needs. It tastes way better than the boxed batter.

Baked half sheet cake. I really need to invest in a heating core next time I do anything larger than an 8" cake. Baking it at 200 degrees for an hour sucks.

Golden Yellow, Violet, and Kelly Green. Wilton should fucking sponsor me.

Derek is a Viking fan, and so his wife ordered a cake decorated like a football field. I even bought a Wilton 'hair/grass' tip to decorate the field. What happens right as I'm about to begin filling in the field? I can't find the damned tip I JUST BOUGHT. So he got a star field instead.

Double Chocolate Raspberry torte batter - chocolate, butter, eggs, vanilla and dark raspberry liquer. Yum!

The finished torte - filled with seedless raspberry jam.

Hand-piped chocolate lace to garnish the sides.

And if that wasn't enough, the whole thing is drenched in chocolate ganache. :)

I am currently listening to NPR's Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! It's pretty motherfucking hilarious. If you haven't listened to it before, you can find it here. There was a huge controversy over a comment that Mo Rocca made back in February of 2009 about sweaters. I laughed my ass off. And Paula Poundstone is pretty damned funny, too. I could have gotten in trouble with the volume of my laughter when Kevin Fitzgerald (a former rock 'n' roll bouncer who has worked with the Grateful Dead, Rolling Stones and Ozzy Osbourne) was talking about his current career as a large animal veterinarian and confessed his fear of spiders.

(I'm terrified of spiders, by the way. Not as terrified as Hubby, who makes ME kill the spiders in our house.)

A man brought in a giant spider and said, "I just don't think he's acting like himself" and "his legs are falling off". Kevin's response was, "Well, when a spider's legs are falling off it means it's seriously ill." And without an examination he sent him to a gentleman who specializes in spiders. The Dr. calls him and says, "Did you tell this man that when a spider's legs are falling off it means it's ill?" and Kevin says, "Yes." The Dr. responds, "If you would have taken the time to examine it, you would have realized the the legs falling off means that the spider is DEAD."

I almost pissed my pants laughing. And when he talks about how he was thinking the best cure for a spider not acting like itself is a phone book... Oh dear lord.

Last night I decided that, the hell with it, I'm going to get my hairs trimmed. My ends were so split even Bobby and Whitney were like, "You need to work this shit out." I wasn't quite to the straw-farm-in-a-third-world-country stage, but it was creeping it's way up.

Now it's happy and healthy again. I can run my fingers through it without it cutting me up. :)

Son has, as I've mentioned before, an obsession with pretending to be He-Man. Last night, I was upgraded from Skeletor to Cringer, the faithful tiger sidekick. Who is a total pussy until he's transformed. But it's adorable, it sounds like he's saying, "Krincher" and "Skedegor". And when he holds aloft his mighty Cars umbrella and goes, "By the Power of Greyskull!" and makes the crashing noises, then holds the umbrella with both hands and goes, "I have the power!" It's just too funny. At least it's not Barbie in Some Gay Ballet That We Adapted That Sucks Total Ass.

And for that, Hubby is grateful. :)