I've really got nothing witty for this title...

I am just in the mood to write. Not sure what to write about yet, but you'll probably read it anyhow and waste ten minutes of your life you'll never get back just hoping that I'm going to say something witty and hilarious.

Sorry about the ten minutes.

I got a pretty new pair of shoes... They were on clearance for $20 at DSW. Oh, how I heart DSW. And Chinese Laundry. God bless them for making shoes in size Clownfoot that are comfortable and freaking adorable. I wore them to the drag show this last Saturday night, and holy hell were they comfortable! The drag show was a blast, as usual, and it was country themed. Normally I don't do country, but they did a lot of older stuff, Garth Brooks, Reba McEntire and the like. It was so much fun. One of my good friends, who is a queen at this particular club, performed a fantastic duet of 'Does He Love You?' as Reba. Bravo, Q... You rocked it.

I did have a decent amount to drink, so I eventually ended up dancing barefoot. My feet were so disgusting and dirty the next morning. Which didn't really matter in comparison to the sore arm and thigh I had from slipping on the ice in front of the bar.

Just call me Grace, ya'll.

I did dance my ass off that night, and it was wonderful. Though combining a good buzz with those strobe and laser light shows made me a little dizzy. Another beer cured that. I began to wonder if I was on a freaking acid trip after a while. Booming bass, strobe lights... It was what I imagine it would feel like if Baz Luhrmann directed my life for a few hours.

Poor Erflet has a double ear infection... He hasn't had one since before he was two. I got a call from Erf this morning to bring him in to urgent care, and thank sweet baby Jesus they still make ammoxicillin in the bubblegum flavor. I'm actually a little jealous, I loved that shit when I was a kid.

Erf, I am now happy to say, has a girlfriend. She seems to make him very happy, and I'm so incredibly thankful for that. He deserves happiness.

I have started seeing a new guy who has totally blown me away. I've never been treated this way by a guy in my entire life. He really is the epitome of a gentleman, and I'm eating up every second of it. I know, try to hold back your gasps of shock. Plus the conversation is amazing, and there's certainly some chemistry there. We had a fantastic first date last night at Blackwater, he actually wore a dress shirt and tie. I wore a little black dress with red pumps. It felt great to be on the same page with him. There were all those cute little awkward moments you expect on a first date, but they were far more cute than awkward. We will be seeing each other again soon, as we both agreed that a second date is definitely something we'd both like to see happen. For now, I'm just looking forward to the next time I get to see him.

Ooh, and he wears glasses. And kittens, you know what glasses do for me. Dress shirt, tie, dress slacks, glasses and smells incredible? Oh yes, I was so weak-kneed.

Other than that, nothing really too new...

Whew, one big holiday down, one to go!

And thanksgiving this year began much like thanksgiving last year did. With me dropping something.

Thank god it wasn't the apple pie, like it was last year! No, this year, it was a heavy glass candle holder. And I broke the fall with my foot. Sweet Baby Jesus, did that hurt! I still have a curve-shaped bruise from that sucker.

So I suppose I should actually update on what's going on in life lately, as it's pretty much been, date-date-date-food porn lately...

On the dating front: Jason is now in a relationship with another girl. But it's good, they're good for one another. We are still friends, and this is what's important. Travis and I stopped talking, I'm not heartbroken by this. Still haven't heard from the hot waiter. I've got a few guys I've been chatting with that want to take me on dates. So in other words, all is busy and well. :)

On the work front: Things have been going pretty well. Been getting lots of training in other areas of the store. And except for stupid dramz, which we all know I fucking HATE WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND BURNING URETHRA, it's good.

On the family front: My family is excellent as always. A few hits on the head with the crazy stick here and there, but otherwise good. :)

On the me front: Bought myself some Beavis and Butthead pajamas. I am more than pleased with this. It's probably one of the most epic purchases I've made since my pink glitter stilettos. I'm also going to a Christmas-themed drag show this Saturday and debating wearing them to the show. Because really, if glitter-coated pumps aren't appropriate at a drag show, then where, I ask you?

On the Erf front: Proudly, we haven't fought in a few months. We are getting along really well, and I think we really are becoming friends again. It feels good, I hated having to guard everything I said. And this can't be anything but good for Erflet.

On the Erflet front: He's lost his first tooth! He's getting so big, and I'm in total disbelief that he's almost six. Fuck, where does the time go? He's doing great in school, and reveals more and more tendency towards my personality every day. This is both awesome and horrible, as I'm a huge smartass. It's gonna suck until he learns how to control this magical power he has inherited.

So all in all, things are going great. Little bumps and hiccups in the road, but nothing serious. :) I'm so glad, it's such a 180 from what my life was like a year ago. Further proof supporting that sometimes what's bad in the short term can be good in the long term.

My tummy loves Blackwater.

I had a date last night. Yeah, that's been happening a lot lately. Dating is bullshit, but it also is not. Seeing as I've only had one bad date, I'm kind of digging this whole dating thing.

Last night was my first date with Travis, the guy I blogged about texting with the other day. Seeing as how our text message conversations have been riveting and full of hilarity, I was very damn excited to meet him in person. He has a thing for old-fashioned military pinup girls, so I decided to go with something to accentuate the hourglass figure. :) I wore a fitted black pinstripe pencil skirt that hugs my curves, a green button up shirt, a black lace camisole, black pantyhose and black peeptoe pumps.

Yeah, he's 5'9". I'm so cruel.

We agreed to meet at one of my favorite bars, the one where I used the best pickup line ever. I ended up getting there a little early, luckily, because so did he. He looked adorable in jeans and a button up shirt, and was far cuter than his profile pictures. We picked a table and sat down. There were some fun awkward silences... He was a little quiet, but he found me to be entertaining. Which, hi? Awesome.

There was definitely an attraction in the air... Even though we both joked about how we were incredibly ugly and stupid, lol. The conversation flowed better as the night progressed, and the sexual innuendo was rampant. It was really fun, I was actually disappointed it had to end.

He walked me outside, and cracked a joke about how he needed a stepladder... And then he kissed me. And it was lovely and wonderful. He's a good kisser.

We talked for a while again last night and today. We've got plans to see each other again, just trying to figure out what we're going to end up doing. :) And I'm very pleased with this plan.

Chalk one more in the 'decidedly NOT bullshit' column for the dating tally.

I really do turn a lovely shade of merlot when I'm embarassed...

Today I went out for lunch with my mom and a few of her co-workers... We went to Applebees. Because, duh, 2 for $20? Of course!

I gorged myself on boneless wings and ate 1/4 of my salad, but whatever.

We had a really cute server. Really cute. Of course everyone at the table comments on it, and I agreed...

I smiled, held my glances a few times, being generally flirtatious, but trying not to be overly so. He brought us some plates for our appetizers and asked if we needed anything, and I said something along the lines of no thank you, but I didn't look at him. My mom comments on how flirty I was.

Um, huh? Wha? I didn't even LOOK at him! Apparently the flirt was in my voice. Huh.

So then he commented on her nails, and I kind of struck a conversation about how I designed them and he was smiling and flirting, and I was smiling and flirting back.

After he walks away from the table and we THOUGHT he was out of earshot, my mom and I turn to each other and say, "Now THAT was flirting!"

He walks back and says, "Yes, it was!"

I turned such a lovely shade of deep red at that point. It was still nice to have our suspicions confirmed. :) Luckily he was really cool about it and it didn't really get awkward, but I just had to write a blog post about it. It was too funny.

Yes, I left him the link... Clever, no?

Alright, back to Castle to distract myself from my piece of shit phone being a total douche canoe and not working. AGAIN. Less than two months until I'm eligible for upgrade... Less than two months until the archaic motherfucker gets it's ass traded in for credit...

I will have a replacement coming in, but it doesn't get in until Wednesday. Until then, I can only make phone calls. FML. *sigh* Oh, well.

The evolution of the girl formerly closed off from social interaction

It started back in May with a flirtation from a hot guy.

It progressed to making out with a guy I had just met (and nothing more).

Now, it will all culminate in the event I've been waiting for... My first date.

Yes, I've officially been invited out on my first real date. Jilly and I were out at the local Irish bar again last night, and a guy behind us told the bartender he would like to buy us a drink. Well fuck yeah, of course! We had a delicious shot made into a drink called the Ugly Betty, which is a specialty of theirs. And it is orgasmically good.

We got our drinks, turned around, cheered, introduced ourselves and continued on. I was, of course, totally flattered because I've never had a random guy buy me a drink before. Smiling like a fucking idiot working her diaper.

Speaking of crotchitals, I wore the most gorgeous 5" stilettos EVAR (Yes, I'm six feet tall and love wearing sky high heels). For your drooling pleasure, may I present my newest love, in pink. I had to pee (I swear beer is a damn diuretic), and when I sat down to pee I almost fell off the damn toilet because I forgot to account for the extra 5" drop. Not a mistake I made again the rest of the night, but it was funny as hell to sit on the toilet and have my knees come up to my knockers.

So after we finished our drinks and were waiting on a friend of Jilly's to show up so we could hit the titty bar again, the guy who bought the drinks came up behind us and asked if we were still thirsty. We politely declined, explaining that we were getting ready to leave. He turns to me and said something along the lines of, 'I don't normally do this but here is my card. I'd like to maybe take you out for drinks sometime. You have really beautiful eyes.'

I am pretty sure I turned purple, I blushed so hard. For being a dirty perv, I sure do blush like a prissy prude. Very annoying.

I took his card and we thanked him and went on enjoying the rest of the evening. I had my ass grabbed by a hot stripper, it was great.

When I got home, I Googled him... Sort of odd, but in this day and age it would be stupid not to take advantage of the opportunity. Nothing odd showed up, just a few blurbs about the business he owns - which I already knew from the card. So I figured what the hell, everyone deserves a fair shake, right? (Not that kind of shake, dirty kittens.)

I called him.

I have no idea if I broke some unspoken rule about how long you should wait to call a guy who gave you his card because zomg he'll think you're a desperate tramp if you call him right away but I'm pretty sure that might only apply to girls who call the guy like a half an hour after they last see them because that would be really stupid and if I don't know what the social rules are does it really matter if I've broken them because I can just sort of make up my own and I mean at least I waited until the following day right?

*deep breath down into the diaphragm*

Whatever. I did it. He sounded kind of surprised that I called, and it was a little awkward being all, 'So, um, you said you wanted to take me out for drinks... Are you still up for that?' I actually said something along the lines of, 'I wasn't sure if you were drunk enough not to remember me...'

Motherfucking linguistic master, that's me.

So anyways, he had me pick where I wanted to go and I picked a local pub that makes their own microbrews and some awesome pizza. Pizza and beer is a pretty low-key, casual first date. And what guy doesn't love a girl who likes pizza and beer? If nothing else, it will hopefully be a nice way to spend an evening. And it'll boost my ego into nosebleed territory.

My first date. Wow. Times, they are a'changin.

The most interesting pickup line ever.

I was in top form this Monday night.

It probably didn't help (or maybe it did) that I was in a semi-pissy mood from yet ANOTHER GODDAMN MACHINE breaking down... Or at least, that I thought it had.

I was describing to my father (the same man who exclaimed, 'look at that gorgeous crushed velvet dress!' and, 'oh my god, that's a real Tiffany lamp!' watching Auntie Mame) the house my coworker rents a room in. The man who owns it has a house full of gorgeous antiques, and he can talk about them and their history like he's an appraiser. I was creaming my panties listening to the history of all these beautiful pieces. My dad can obviously appreciate my appreciation.

This somehow leads to this:

Me: "Dad, you are so gay."

Dad: "I'm not gay, I'm just happy."

Me: "Yeah, happy to have a dick in your mouth."

Mom: "She's in peak form tonight!"

Yes, I really do talk to my parents like this. And they're all for it. And things like this are just a few of the many reasons I love them and am so thankful I can be myself around them. So many of my friends have to censor themselves and put on a face for their parents. And it's not that I don't respect them, because I really do. I only make remarks like this in good humor.

Later on that night we were discussing my dating post, and my dad asks, "What's the worst pickup line ever?"

To which I respond, "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

He cracks up laughing, because that's exactly what he was going to say.

The reason this is pertinent information, kittens, is because I actually used this line last night. It wasn't a real come-on, but I used it all the same. Felt like a douche the entire time.

My friend and I went out for apps and drinks at one of my favorite (and expensive) local bars last night. They have a fun drink menu, they play lots of old swing like Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra, and the atmosphere is just fabulous. As we're drinking, her coworker texts her telling her he is at a nearby bar. She invites him over for a drink. He shows, but doesn't see us snuggled in the comfy armchairs in the corner, and heads to the bar with his friends. My friend is blocked from his sight by the piano, but I am not. I'm laughing watching him scan the bar for us. I asked her if I should go get him using my 'chloroform' pickup line. She dares me.

Kittens, I cannot back down. I've got a mad dope street cred rep to uphold, yo.

I should be hanged, shot, drawn, quartered and dipped in boiling oil for typing that.

Anywho, I grab my napkin and walk over. I linger behind him as if perusing the bar contents, because I'm all blushy and nervous. My heart was pounding. I'm such a goddamn pussy.

I walk around to his side, and say, "Hi."

Motherfucking linguistic master, that's me.

He replies, "Hi there." But it was like one of those drawn out, "Hiiii there..." replies. Keep in mind that I am wearing a gorgeous dress that totally highlights copious amounts of cleavage. And I had on a pearl necklace. Not that kind, you dirty whores. One that dipped into said cleavage. And gorgeous 3 1/2" stilettos. Even my thick skull was registering that he found me attractive.

I blurt out something retarded like, "I am coming over on behalf of a friend who dared me to use this pickup line on you."

He tells me to go for it.

I hold up my napkin and say, "Does this smell like chloroform to you?"

He laughs. Women with him look annoyed. It's obvious neither is his girlfriend, and if they can't take a joke, fuck 'em.

Then I tell him friend and I are sitting over there *gestures to where friend is peeking over the top of the piano laughing* and he's welcome to join us.

He stops me and says, "Is that all you've got for me? No more pickup lines?"

I reply, "I'm not very good at the pickup lines, I'm better at witty comebacks."

He begins firing off hilarious lines like, "Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd like to tap that ass." and, "Do you wash your pants with Windex, because I can see myself in them."

Thinking back, I should have fired back with something witty like, "Nice pants, they'd look great on my bedroom floor." But I was trying to gather my synapses to keep from turning into a giggly pile of girly jello simply from being flirted with, so I was understandably preoccupied.

He did end up joining us for a while, and he had the whole geek thing going on that I fall for. I have no idea what it is about men in (well-chosen, appropriate) glasses that makes my panties wet, but it just is.

Thus I had my first recognizable flirtation with a guy I've never met before. It was sort of like heroin... Now I can't shake the craving for it. :)

Do you ever sit next to that annoying person?

So, my plans for today were pretty much uneventful. I got up around 9, made Erflet breakfast, made myself breakfast, sat down and watched Scooby Doo 2 with Erflet. Around noon, I took a shower and piled Erflet and my sister Katie into the car to drive to my grandparents' house to print off copies of our tax return for Erf's FAFSA... Then I brought Katie home and hung with my parents for a while.

My mom bought Dragon Age for PS3, and I watched her play that for a little while. It was hilarious; they kept saying something about 'beware the taint'. We are all thirteen year old boys in the sense that saying something like 'taint' will make us all laugh. Then they said it again and again. It was fabulous.

Last night I dyed my sister's hair blonde... After I put Erflet to bed, she started changing into PJs. I asked if she had a tank top with her to wear while I put the dye in, she said no. So I grabbed an old tie dye shirt of mine and told her to wear it. The conversation was as follows:

Katie: "Isn't this the shirt that I made for you?"

Me: "Yeah, but I only wear it as a pajama shirt. It's not like I wear it in public or anything."

K: *in a semi-rueful tone* "Mom and Dad wear theirs in public all the time..."

M: "Yeah, well, Dad used to wear zebra striped Zubas in public. I rest my case."

K: "Good point."

I'm talking with my parents about this today and my dad pipes up and asks, "What's wrong with Zubas? They're comfortable."

I replied that if he actually asked that question, he's too old to know the answer. :)

After hanging out with my parents, Erflet and I went to walk around the mall. My feet were equipped with these. While insanely adorable, the straps began to cut into my big toe right by the nail. That's a very fucking sensitive spot, mind you... So when Erflet asked to go to Barnes and Noble to play with their Thomas the Train table, I enthusiastically agreed. Please, yes, let's rest mama's weary, sore, adorably-suited feet. But on my way over, I stopped to grab Tucker Max's new book, Assholes Finish First. Sadly, B&N was all out of it as far as I could see (and let's face facts, my feet were anxious to sit down as it felt like my toes were about to be cut off), so I grabbed I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell and followed Erflet to the kid's section.

We walk over to the train table to find the two chairs were already taken. Fine. I'm a classy girl; I plopped my ass right onto the floor. I had Tucker Max and Caribou Coffee, what the fuck did I care? After a while I noticed the people occupying the chairs had left. Wow, shows how observant I am. I got to my feet and gingerly walked over and proceeded to plop my ass into a chair and resume my reading.

Erflet is happily playing with the trains, and another kid comes up and begins playing. He gave Erflet a train he wanted and Erflet, being a polite child (ha, yeah... That was a good one), said 'thank you'. The guy with said kid then starts yammering on about how it's so great that my son says thank you and yada yada yada. I look up from my book and make the polite response of, 'thank you very much' and resume reading.

Guy apparently thinks that because he's complimented my child-rearing skills and we're sitting next to each other, I want to talk. Pretty sure having my nose buried in a book with a guy holding a beer on the cover means I don't want to motherfucking talk to your ass. Really.

Then his wife/girlfriend/whatever comes over and takes the seat from him. She also feels that I want to talk. She asks me if the book I'm reading is good. I reply that it is, and it's a comedy. Nose dives back into the book. She walks over and looks at some books on the wall. During that time Erf calls me, and I had forgotten to turn my phone to vibrate. So loud and clear everyone in the kid's section hears Peter Griffin singing, "I like pancakes, I like pancakes, they make me a happy Peter. I am happy, I am happy, la la la la la..."

Yes, that's really what I have set as Erf's ringtone.

I talk to him and hang up. Chick walks over and asks me where I got my ringtone. I told her I downloaded a soundboard that allows you to save sounds as ringtones. She then pulls out her IPhone and reads off a list of her ringtones. Dude, really? Do I really want to hear some random strangers ringtone list? Seriously?

No. I WANT TO READ TUCKER MAX NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

Was she done? Of course not. She then decides I want to hear all about how hard it is to train her son to say his 'pleases' and 'thank yous'. "He doesn't like to say it and we asked him why and he said it embarrasses him." Maybe it's because he has a set of idiot parents who clearly don't know how to read social cues.

Happily the phone call from Erf meant he was home and that Erflet and I could head over to his place so I got him packed up and left.

I trust that you kittens are not the type of people to strike up conversations with people who are reading a book. Unless you're telling me my hair is on fire or there's something wrong with my kid, I will fucking donkey punch you.

Or I'll blog about you. Cause, you know, I'm a huge pussy who has never seriously hit anyone in her life.

There's something about a pair of 4 1/2" stilettos that makes a girl feel...

Delicious.

It makes me want to battle the Orangutan Gene (shave my legs), put on a short skirt and a looooooong jacket.

I'm wearing my adorable Ciao Bella booties (yes, those are the ones I've got, and I got them on wicked sale for like $20 at DSW). They sound ridiculous, because I used to abhor the idea of booties. Until I tried them on. And then I realized.

Shit, they look good on me!

Plus, the inside is this soft, buttery leather. It makes my feet happy. Which, for being 6' tall WITHOUT heels and wearing 4 1/2" stilettos... It's saying a lot. I have a passion for wearing high heels. Luckily Erf (who refers to my booties as Grandma Shoes, cause they have laces), who is shorter than I am flat-footed, likes it when I wear heels.

I haven't found the courage to wear them without long pants yet, however. I still adore them anyhow.

Halloween... Let's see. Erflet was a ninja, I forgot to take pics with my phone due to the chaos at my father-in-law's house for my neice's birthday/trick-or-treating party. My grandpa got some, I'm just waiting for him to send them.

I did get photos of myself, though. Cause I sent them to Erf to get his approval.

Erflet was a ninja this year, and I went as his 'victim'.

All it took was red nail polish and eyeshadow.

Yes, I'm still smelling acetone from removing nail polish from inside my nose.

But I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in breadcrumbs if my wounds didn't look pretty fucking real, even if they weren't swollen. However, this gives you a great view of my dedication... Not only did I put NAIL POLISH on my FACE (which worked beautifully and looked way better than lipliner) but I lined my eyes with dark pink lipliner to look like I had been crying.

Except yesterday when I went to the grocery store for ingredients for turkey bacon BLTs and salad...

I realized when I got out of the car that while I sleepily removed my makeup and nail polish the night before, I still hadn't showered or really washed my face. So my pink eyeliner? Still on.

I was wearing Erf's leather motorcycle jacket (which is sort of redundant since we don't have a motorcycle)(Goddamn it, I wish we did) and had red-rimmed eyes.

I'm sure people came to one of two conclusions.

A.) I was cracked out

B.) I had been beaten by my husband.

Too bad I didn't have my full ass-kick makeup on still. :)

My friend Megan and I were chit-chatting this a.m. about my makeup. She told me that she wanted to come be my nurse. I asked her if she would leave the panties off under her outfit. She said of course. I asked her if she was going to take my temperature - with a strap on.

She laughed.

I'm such a good friend. :)

Also, I sliced my palm open on a chunk of sucker yesterday. Only me...

It hurts, someone come kiss it?