Whoa, I'm not dead! Who knew?

So, my job has given me some very awesomely interesting stories.

Sadly, my phone's internet is being douchey and keeps telling me I need to cancel just this one thing and then I can update. I kid you not, I had an update that took me an hour to type on my tiny, gummy keys, and I lost the whole mothercocking thing because of some stupid thing on Blogger's mobile updater and my phone's clipboard not being large enough to copy the whole post.

See how much I missed you, kittens? MY UPDATE WAS TOO LARGE FOR MY CLIPBOARD TO HANDLE.

Or it could have been that I had like 5 bazjillion photos on there that needed to be synched and deleted.

So, holy shit. My new job is blogging motherfucking gold. I have SO many interesting stories I could tell you kittens, and for now I'll bullet them. Why?

Because I have to go grocery shopping for ingredients for Pollo Fundido, that's why. Why can't I stay and type them all out and THEN go shopping?

Because, hopefully, my BFF will be coming over to visit!

** #1 most entertaining: The fat guy who farted and picked his nose in front of us, and had porn in his bedroom. And asked me if I was 'into clients'.

** The older, lonely guy who told my co-worker and I that he wanted us to spend the night any time we were down in the area, and he said he'd feed us and 'leave us alone', and we'd be 'perfectly safe'. Oh, yeah. And he wanted to give us each full-body massages. At least he fed us venison jerky and sent us home with canned venison. eye roll

** The guy who made ionic purifiers for a living and kicked us out because we told him ozone is bad for you. Ironically, his wife actually liked the Defender.

** The nice lady whose boyfriend came home drunk and was pissed that I was still at the house... She politely packed everything up and helped me carry it out to my car because she 'didn't want me to have to make two trips'.

Seriously, this job is hilarious and provides me with entertainment almost every day.

Other updates as of late:

Erf is now going to school to be a medical assistant. I'm so insanely proud of him for this, he's been wanting to go back to school for some time now. I've had tons of fun helping him study his medical terms, and I can't look at the word 'rrhea' without collapsing into a fit of giggles.

I'm also looking forward to slowly learning how to decode the medical speak on Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. I used to be proud of knowing what an appendectomy was. I'll show them.

Erflet is getting tall and sassy. The other day he was begging me to watch Cars... "Mama, can I watch Cars on the big teebee?" Over. And over. And over again. I, being the ultimate smartass, replied, "How about I gouge my eyes out with a sewing needle?"

He replies, "How about after?"

That's my boy. :)

I heart me some Castle...

I'm sitting and watching Castle with my mom... Job-searching for Erf....

The best quote from Season 1:

Beckett: "What is it with guys and boobs?"

Castle: "It's biological."

Beckett: "Doesn't' it bother you that they're obviously not real?"

Castle: "Santa's not real, but I still enjoy opening his presents."

Also, my new ring arrived today! My momma was nice enough to buy me a new wedding ring as a partial Christmas gift - because my old ring was beginning to tarnish on the inside.

To which I introduce you all to my new, sparkly friend:

It is so much bigger than I'm used to; my old wedding ring was an eternity band with maybe 1mm stones in a channel setting. The central stone on this ring is 7mm. I know, holy crap hugeungeous stone!

It's going to take some getting used to, but I'm prepared to take the time.

It's sparkly, I'm a girl, do the math.

I'm excited/nervous for my job interview and my job training tomorrow. It's that happy excited feeling, and I really hope that this all works out. I'd love to be able to have the internet at home.

Cause having to drive 15 minutes to sit in a chilly basement (even if hanging out with my poor bed-rest-ridden mama is totally worth it) kind of sucks. Plus, in Duluth we have The Hills. Not Heidi and Spencer Hills, but huge gas-sucking, brake-killing hills.

Hills that Evil Kneivel wouldn't brave post-blizzard in a vehicle.

I'm glad that I live in Superior, because Superior is pretty Hill-less.

Off to head home and watch Star Trek and My Sister's Keeper.

Holy motherfuck. I'm watching Katt Williams.

Dude is like a little black Chris Kattan. He's spastic and 4 feet tall.

Not to mention WHO-LARIOUS.

By the way, I'm super excited that my parents know Chris Mancini. Well, they don't KNOW him know him, but they've heard of him. But he once commented on my blog.

How did this come about? Because I told my parents that I was friends with Dane Cook on Facebook. Along with 12,000 other fucking people.

And then my dad told me I needed to do something to make myself stand out.

Because apparently, the dream that I had where he and I had some mad awesome chemistry and he asked me on a date? He doesn't remember being in that dream. Bastard. He never called after that either.

So to prove my Awesomeness (TM), I told him about Chris Mancini commenting on my blog. And to my delight, they've seen him on TV before!

I just moved up a spot in life. *smile*

Speaking of Movin' On Up...

(To the east si-i-de...) (Ok, enough with the Jeffersons references)

I have a job!!! I start my training next Wednesday. I don't feel like describing it, but it should be good money. And as a backup, I've also got an interview for two other positions before I start training on Wednesday.

The bad news is that Erf is done at the fast food restaurant of Douchebaggery. He was supposed to have through Black Friday,

(Nov. 26 for those of you morons who don't know what the fuck Black Friday is)(You suck if you didn't know that Black Friday is the day after Thanskgiving, btw)

but they told him that business isn't good enough for them to keep it so they made him run 6 fucking boxes of shit from one store up to the other and THEN fucking told him that they didn't need him anymore.

Bastards.

I just watched Katt Williams pretend to throw a bowling ball... Hrm.

This motherfucker just came on asking for a "What?"

Got one for ya, right here. Whaaat?

Also, I think I'd like to have sex with Danica Patrick.

Alright, let's give this mother a shot!

So, first, please pardon me if this post is short. I'm trying to do updates on my mobile, and I can only stand typing on my QWERTY keyboard so long damn it!

I had a job interview last night, and I really think that job would be a good fit for me. I call back at 3:00 today to see if I got it.

I also talked with a guy from the place my mom works at, and they want to interview me for two positions. No, it's not missionary and doggy-style. But they want to interview me on the days that they're doing orientation for the other job (if I get it)... Sigh.

I'll still interview with them - just in case. I may have huge tits, but I'm not dumb! I'll keep all of you updated on what happens after I talk to them later! :)

Sooo... Blogs are going to be diminishing for a while...

I got fired yesterday.

It was my fault, I will totally own up to that.

My boss pulled me into the office five minutes before closing, and told me that he was terminating me - effective immediately.

Because all I have is mobile internet on my phone - regardless of my qwerty keyboard - I'm not going to be updating unless I get access to a computer. Which won't happen often...

Which is going to suck. But I couldn't let my kittens go without me without an explanation of sorts before I disappear into the land of the internet-less. I may resort to stone wheels and foot-powered vehicular transportation to match my internet-less existence. I'll still be on Twitter, since that is easily accessed from my phone and via text message alerts.

I love you and I'll be back as soon as I can be. ;)

No I'm not dead!

I'm sorry, my kittens, that I haven't written in quite some time. You see, on Wednesday my computer's network connection crashed. Thursday a guy came in to look at it, and got me reconnected. Then my computer kept crashing, and then I lost my connection again. It was a mess... However, if you're good kittens and you follow me on Twitter, you already knew all this.

Now because all of you are such good little kittens and you love my food porn, I thought that it was time to let you in on some of my super-secret baking tips... :)

I have some photos to accompany tips, but not all the tips have photos. (Ha, dirty!)

First up, tips on my favorite pie to bake; Apple Pie!

AP tip #1: Invest in an apple corer similar to this one:

It cut my apple filling prep time in 1/2, seriously.

AP tip #2: If you take my sage advice and invest in an apple corer, the easiest way to get the core out seems to be to cut it off as close as possible to the slicer and use the handle of the knife to push it out of the bottom. Using your fingers can = owies. I've sliced my thumb trying to push it through with my fingers.

AP tip #3: Invest in some disposable plastic food prep gloves. I used to spend at least 10 minutes trying to get all the sugar/cinnamon grit out from underneath my fingernails... Until I made my decision to go into 'business' and bought the gloves for sanitary reasons. And then a whole new world of grit-less fingernails opened up to me. Put on the gloves before tossing the apples and while you're adjusting the apples in the crust.

Random tip regarding limes/lemons/oranges/juice-able fruits: Invest in a microplaner similar to this one, and a juicer like the one above. I can get up to 3/4 of a cup of juice from a single lemon with one of those bad boys... And in the background, you can see how nicely the microplaner works for harvesting citrus peel for miscellaneous recipes. **Related non-baking tip** If your kids are picky and don't like eating onions in their food, use the microplaner to grate in the onion; it makes it mushy, but you get all the onion flavor without the chunks. I'm a picky eater, and we tried this last night for a new dish; it worked nicely, but it does take quite a bit of elbow grease to get a substantial amount of onion to grate.

Some cookie tips!

Balled cookie tip: For cookies like sugar cookies and peanut-butter cookies, refrigerate at least two hours before shaping and use a smaller ice-cream scoop like this one, and then shape into a ball with your hand.

Now, on to the main event! Pastry crust!

#1: Measure your ingredients accurately. Too much of any specific ingredient can cause a multitude of mishaps. Stir the flour before measuring, it helps.

#2: Cut in your shortening until it looks like this:

#3: Use ICE COLD water, and toss with a fork until it looks like this:

#4: If your dough isn't rolling right, try wrapping it tightly with Saran Wrap and refrigerating it for an hour or so.

#5: Once you have your dough rolled (be sure to keep that board floured to prevent sticking!), put the rolling pin at the top of the dough and roll back, wrapping the dough around the pin. Ease it over the pie pan to prevent tears.

#6: Pie pans... Glass and dull metal are the best. Shiny metal pie pans can cause the bottom of your crust to come out soggy. Aluminum are smaller than standard, so if you use them buy the deep dish. Ceramics, same thing. They're not always the proper size. I like Pyrex glass pie pans, they're like $4 at Walmart and work beautifully.

#7: When making a baked pie shell, line the pan with a double-layer of aluminum foil, and remove before putting in the pastry. That way you're not puncturing holes in the crust with the foil. :)

Kissing the ass of the dick that fucks you.

I've had way too many posts all full of vitriol lately. Erf's work has done many things to piss me off though, in all fairness...

And up until this point, I've been fairly tolerant. I've just told Erf to stick it out, because getting him to quit seems to be the only logical explanation for all the bs they're spewing out lately. I figure that in most cases it's best to leave an employer with a good impression and no reason to give you a negative reference.

This, my kittens, is NOT one of those cases.

I've only quit without a two-week notice in one case. Ever. That was because my manager kept badgering me about my weight, and it was totally harassment. I never reported her, which I regret, but karma came and bit her ass... She was fired for drinking on the job.

Erf's district has said some shitty things to him up until this point. Which, you know, he's the district. Whatever. But what happened this morning was just over the line.

Erf got to work this morning to find the place a total mess. He's maintenance. It's his job to clean, yes, but not to clean up the shit that the crew members should be doing.

Can I just go on the record telling you all that when he was a manager if he had let his crew leave the place like that he would have gotten his ass CHEWED at the VERY least?

When he called the district to complain about the condition the place was left in (ice cream and toppings all over the counters and floor, the grill a total mess) he was told that it's his job to do their bitch work. Which means that, most likely, they won't be reprimanded for not doing THEIR jobs.

(I think I've caught a case of caps.)(Capital letters, not caps like popping a cap in someone's ass)(though I'd love to pop caps in a few choice asses right now)

It's one thing to say shitty things when you're the manager, but to allow others to shit on him like this? It's unacceptable. And it's bad business ethic.

Sadly, though, Erf needs this job until something else comes along. Anything that will pay him more than this job, really.

Except that newspaper route in the ghetto part of Duluth. Cause you could totally be killed running that route. And besides, it doesn't pay more than this job.

But when he gets a new job, I totally and completely support not giving them any notice whatsoever. I mean, fuck, he's due to be done as of Black Friday anyhow. What the fuck do they care?

Now, all I need to do is figure out a way to sneak sugar into the district's gas tank without getting caught...*

* No, I wouldn't really do that. But I'd really, really like to. I'd settle for keying his truck...

New Halloween Photos!

My grandpa got them off of his camera and sent them to me...

My little ass-whupping ninja! It came with a matching blue headband, but Erflet has a gigormous melon head and it was too tight. Doesn't he look too cute?!

And a better shot of my makeup - the flash really brings out the bruising, doesn't it? It also accentuates my red-rimmed eyes. God, I'm good.

Yes, I'm wearing glo-sticks as a necklace. Don't judge.

There's something about a pair of 4 1/2" stilettos that makes a girl feel...

Delicious.

It makes me want to battle the Orangutan Gene (shave my legs), put on a short skirt and a looooooong jacket.

I'm wearing my adorable Ciao Bella booties (yes, those are the ones I've got, and I got them on wicked sale for like $20 at DSW). They sound ridiculous, because I used to abhor the idea of booties. Until I tried them on. And then I realized.

Shit, they look good on me!

Plus, the inside is this soft, buttery leather. It makes my feet happy. Which, for being 6' tall WITHOUT heels and wearing 4 1/2" stilettos... It's saying a lot. I have a passion for wearing high heels. Luckily Erf (who refers to my booties as Grandma Shoes, cause they have laces), who is shorter than I am flat-footed, likes it when I wear heels.

I haven't found the courage to wear them without long pants yet, however. I still adore them anyhow.

Halloween... Let's see. Erflet was a ninja, I forgot to take pics with my phone due to the chaos at my father-in-law's house for my neice's birthday/trick-or-treating party. My grandpa got some, I'm just waiting for him to send them.

I did get photos of myself, though. Cause I sent them to Erf to get his approval.

Erflet was a ninja this year, and I went as his 'victim'.

All it took was red nail polish and eyeshadow.

Yes, I'm still smelling acetone from removing nail polish from inside my nose.

But I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in breadcrumbs if my wounds didn't look pretty fucking real, even if they weren't swollen. However, this gives you a great view of my dedication... Not only did I put NAIL POLISH on my FACE (which worked beautifully and looked way better than lipliner) but I lined my eyes with dark pink lipliner to look like I had been crying.

Except yesterday when I went to the grocery store for ingredients for turkey bacon BLTs and salad...

I realized when I got out of the car that while I sleepily removed my makeup and nail polish the night before, I still hadn't showered or really washed my face. So my pink eyeliner? Still on.

I was wearing Erf's leather motorcycle jacket (which is sort of redundant since we don't have a motorcycle)(Goddamn it, I wish we did) and had red-rimmed eyes.

I'm sure people came to one of two conclusions.

A.) I was cracked out

B.) I had been beaten by my husband.

Too bad I didn't have my full ass-kick makeup on still. :)

My friend Megan and I were chit-chatting this a.m. about my makeup. She told me that she wanted to come be my nurse. I asked her if she would leave the panties off under her outfit. She said of course. I asked her if she was going to take my temperature - with a strap on.

She laughed.

I'm such a good friend. :)

Also, I sliced my palm open on a chunk of sucker yesterday. Only me...

It hurts, someone come kiss it?

It's the witching hour. Perhaps I should buy some holy water...

Okay, so technically Halloween is tomorrow. Whatever.

This year's costume is gonna be pretty cool, but I think last year's costumes were the best...

We dressed up as the Scooby Doo Gang, minus Shaggy and Velma.

Because it's Friday and I feel like keeping shit simple due to my forget-my-crotch-if-I-didn't-have-it-permanently-attached-to-my-handbody mentality, here are our costumes from last year!

Scooby Doo! Is this not the cutest costume?! It cost me like $40 on Ebay, but it was totally worth it.

Schmexy Daphne Blake - We did a sort of 'updated' version instead of the traditional Fred and Daph. Because I couldn't find a Daph dress I liked...

Erf, however, looked fantastic in stressed vintage jeans, his blue/white shirt, polo and the handmade red/orange ascot. No lie, I sewed it by hand the night before and I used my flatiron to iron it flat. Ghetto rig, FTW! Also, I love him bleach blonde.

The Scooby Gang - I thought it was a cute effect.

This year Erflet is going to be a ninja, and I'm going to be his victim. I do well with makeup effects - black eyes, split lips, cuts and bruises, here I come! Well, tomorrow anyhow. We're going to our niece's birthday party. Me dressing up as having had the shit kicked out of me at a kid's party = win, don't you agree?

Because our boss says that for Halloween I could only dress up as a receptionist. We are a law office, after all. Even if we're going out to have a long drinking lunch fairly soon. ;)