And one more stitch for the husband...

Okay, so, seriously.

I am so sick and tired of all these headlines EVERY. FUCKING. WHERE. about Jon and Kate.

Don't get me wrong. This girl enjoys juicy headlines just as much as the next person with a vagina and a gossip button. Angelina caught Brad having sex with the nanny? Dr. Phil has a sex scandal? Tom and Katie are on the outs?

Bring it on. I enjoy celeb gossip when it's just tabloid gossip. You don't really believe that Oprah is really an alien, do you? No, but it's still fun to read about. What was that green glow around her anyhow?...

As Sean Connery's character William Forrester says in the film Finding Forrester, "The Times I read for dinner. But this {The National Enquirer}, this is my dessert."

Now that we've cleared up that I don't mind tabloid dramz, I do mind this whole Jon and Kate thing. I never watched Jon and Kate Plus Eight. Never appealed to me. Whatever, no big deal. Not every person likes every TV show.

Then, the dramz began creeping it's way ever-so-steadily onto the tabloid covers. "Jon caught having an affair!" "Kate beats her kids!" Whatever. It's the shit they're slinging at each other that's got me pissed off.

Nope, I haven't read the articles, but the headlines and the Entertainment Tonight clips give me enough to put a bad taste in my mouth. Do you people not realize that all your dirty laundry is being aired in public? I'm sure that despite all your fuckup-edness, your kids will grow up to be at least functionable human beings, if not pretty smart kids. They'll know how to use the internet. They will see all your self-centered, narcissistic, money-hungry actions that they don't see at home.

You are not a normal couple having it out in the confines of a courtroom, arguing over whether he gets the frequent flier miles or you do because he earned them flying to Denver to meet his whore. Keep it civilized, douche bags. It's called poise and being an adult.

Plus, I'm sure that regardless of your current asshat factor, you do love your kids. I'm also pretty sure that once upon a time you didn't plan on having kids specifically to put them on a TV show. So act like parents, suck your shit up, and fight it out in court. Quit trying to make the general public feel sorry for you. We do, but it's because we pity you.

Damn mommy programming, making me all pissed off at irresponsible parenting. There used to be a time that I, too, looked scornfully upon crying infants in grocery stores and in malls. I used to go out for long, leisurely dinners to restaurants people rarely bring children to. And I used to go grocery shopping at 2 am because a) I could, and b) there was a slim chance of lines or children at that time of night.

UTERUS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! You bitch! You turned me into this sympathetic mom... *sigh* I guess I just have to embrace it. Shit.

Also, I'd like to say that Erf needs to stop fantasizing about moving to Kansas. I am not an adorable-cheeked gingham-wearing girl with braids. I do not do heat well. I went to Florida in February (FEBRUARY!) one time, and it was too hot for me.

It gets above 85 and I turn into Super Bitch. I make Kyle's Mom look like Mary Freaking Poppins. And everyone knows that Kyle's Mom is a bitch. She's a big, fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

And Erf's uncle lives in Kansas. And keeps taunting Erf with magical phrases like, "nice apartments" and "good-paying jobs"... Damn you. Fucking Kansas being all taunt-y to Erf. Bah.