My co-worker Amy and I were talking today. She was telling me all about how Match.com worked for her and her boyfriend, they've been together five years, and so on and so forth.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Then she asks me what I would do if my parents set up a profile for me on Match.com. I inform her that my parents would never do that to me. She retorts that Diane Keaton did it to her daughter in some movie I can't remember the name of but Ashley you need to see it because you'd think it was really funny and I think it would be hilarious if your mom and dad did that to you.
I reassure her that they wouldn't. Mostly because they know I'd be pretty upset if they did. I'd maybe consider not talking to them. Or maybe not. Whatever.
She then informs me that she is going to set up a profile for me on Match.com to see if I get matched with anyone. I then tell her that there is no way I would be going on any date she set up for me...
"What makes you think you'd have the option?"
Well, I am in control of my own body and if I don't want to go on a blind date, I won't go, thankyouverymuch.
This is where I am apparently in the wrong...
Amy proceeds to tell me that she is going to duct tape my hands and mouth shut to get me to go on the date. This, however, does not satisfy her craving for torturing me. She is also, she says, going to push me out of a moving vehicle toward the restaurant.
This progresses between the three of us to this status:
Amy is going to chloroform me to get me to cooperate, and also to be able to duct tape my hands and gag me.
She is then going to push me out of a moving vehicle (something I think she'd make up a date just to be able to do).
I am going to lay on the sidewalk with a bloody face, but since my knees should be fine, the date should be able to un-tape my mouth and face-fuck my unconscious mouth.
The people I work with might just be as demented and twisted, if not sometimes more so, than I am. I'm pretty frightened. And if I wake up after being chloroformed, I firmly resolve to bite ANYTHING in my mouth when I come to. Hard. Guys on Match.com: consider yourselves forewarned. Don't say I didn't tell you so when you have to explain why the head of your penis is in my stomach to the ER doctors...