Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I heart me some Castle...

I'm sitting and watching Castle with my mom... Job-searching for Erf....

The best quote from Season 1:

Beckett: "What is it with guys and boobs?"

Castle: "It's biological."

Beckett: "Doesn't' it bother you that they're obviously not real?"

Castle: "Santa's not real, but I still enjoy opening his presents."

Also, my new ring arrived today! My momma was nice enough to buy me a new wedding ring as a partial Christmas gift - because my old ring was beginning to tarnish on the inside.

To which I introduce you all to my new, sparkly friend:

It is so much bigger than I'm used to; my old wedding ring was an eternity band with maybe 1mm stones in a channel setting. The central stone on this ring is 7mm. I know, holy crap hugeungeous stone!

It's going to take some getting used to, but I'm prepared to take the time.

It's sparkly, I'm a girl, do the math.

I'm excited/nervous for my job interview and my job training tomorrow. It's that happy excited feeling, and I really hope that this all works out. I'd love to be able to have the internet at home.

Cause having to drive 15 minutes to sit in a chilly basement (even if hanging out with my poor bed-rest-ridden mama is totally worth it) kind of sucks. Plus, in Duluth we have The Hills. Not Heidi and Spencer Hills, but huge gas-sucking, brake-killing hills.

Hills that Evil Kneivel wouldn't brave post-blizzard in a vehicle.

I'm glad that I live in Superior, because Superior is pretty Hill-less.

Off to head home and watch Star Trek and My Sister's Keeper.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Holy motherfuck. I'm watching Katt Williams.

Dude is like a little black Chris Kattan. He's spastic and 4 feet tall.

Not to mention WHO-LARIOUS.

By the way, I'm super excited that my parents know Chris Mancini. Well, they don't KNOW him know him, but they've heard of him. But he once commented on my blog.

How did this come about? Because I told my parents that I was friends with Dane Cook on Facebook. Along with 12,000 other fucking people.

And then my dad told me I needed to do something to make myself stand out.

Because apparently, the dream that I had where he and I had some mad awesome chemistry and he asked me on a date? He doesn't remember being in that dream. Bastard. He never called after that either.

So to prove my Awesomeness (TM), I told him about Chris Mancini commenting on my blog. And to my delight, they've seen him on TV before!

I just moved up a spot in life. *smile*

Speaking of Movin' On Up...

(To the east si-i-de...) (Ok, enough with the Jeffersons references)

I have a job!!! I start my training next Wednesday. I don't feel like describing it, but it should be good money. And as a backup, I've also got an interview for two other positions before I start training on Wednesday.

The bad news is that Erf is done at the fast food restaurant of Douchebaggery. He was supposed to have through Black Friday,

(Nov. 26 for those of you morons who don't know what the fuck Black Friday is)(You suck if you didn't know that Black Friday is the day after Thanskgiving, btw)

but they told him that business isn't good enough for them to keep it so they made him run 6 fucking boxes of shit from one store up to the other and THEN fucking told him that they didn't need him anymore.

Bastards.

I just watched Katt Williams pretend to throw a bowling ball... Hrm.

This motherfucker just came on asking for a "What?"

Got one for ya, right here. Whaaat?

Also, I think I'd like to have sex with Danica Patrick.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Alright, let's give this mother a shot!

So, first, please pardon me if this post is short. I'm trying to do updates on my mobile, and I can only stand typing on my QWERTY keyboard so long damn it!

I had a job interview last night, and I really think that job would be a good fit for me. I call back at 3:00 today to see if I got it.

I also talked with a guy from the place my mom works at, and they want to interview me for two positions. No, it's not missionary and doggy-style. But they want to interview me on the days that they're doing orientation for the other job (if I get it)... Sigh.

I'll still interview with them - just in case. I may have huge tits, but I'm not dumb! I'll keep all of you updated on what happens after I talk to them later! :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Sooo... Blogs are going to be diminishing for a while...

I got fired yesterday.

It was my fault, I will totally own up to that.

My boss pulled me into the office five minutes before closing, and told me that he was terminating me - effective immediately.

Because all I have is mobile internet on my phone - regardless of my qwerty keyboard - I'm not going to be updating unless I get access to a computer. Which won't happen often...

Which is going to suck. But I couldn't let my kittens go without me without an explanation of sorts before I disappear into the land of the internet-less. I may resort to stone wheels and foot-powered vehicular transportation to match my internet-less existence. I'll still be on Twitter, since that is easily accessed from my phone and via text message alerts.

I love you and I'll be back as soon as I can be. ;)

Monday, November 9, 2009

No I'm not dead!

I'm sorry, my kittens, that I haven't written in quite some time. You see, on Wednesday my computer's network connection crashed. Thursday a guy came in to look at it, and got me reconnected. Then my computer kept crashing, and then I lost my connection again. It was a mess... However, if you're good kittens and you follow me on Twitter, you already knew all this.

Now because all of you are such good little kittens and you love my food porn, I thought that it was time to let you in on some of my super-secret baking tips... :)

I have some photos to accompany tips, but not all the tips have photos. (Ha, dirty!)

First up, tips on my favorite pie to bake; Apple Pie!

AP tip #1: Invest in an apple corer similar to this one:

It cut my apple filling prep time in 1/2, seriously.

AP tip #2: If you take my sage advice and invest in an apple corer, the easiest way to get the core out seems to be to cut it off as close as possible to the slicer and use the handle of the knife to push it out of the bottom. Using your fingers can = owies. I've sliced my thumb trying to push it through with my fingers.

AP tip #3: Invest in some disposable plastic food prep gloves. I used to spend at least 10 minutes trying to get all the sugar/cinnamon grit out from underneath my fingernails... Until I made my decision to go into 'business' and bought the gloves for sanitary reasons. And then a whole new world of grit-less fingernails opened up to me. Put on the gloves before tossing the apples and while you're adjusting the apples in the crust.

Random tip regarding limes/lemons/oranges/juice-able fruits: Invest in a microplaner similar to this one, and a juicer like the one above. I can get up to 3/4 of a cup of juice from a single lemon with one of those bad boys... And in the background, you can see how nicely the microplaner works for harvesting citrus peel for miscellaneous recipes. **Related non-baking tip** If your kids are picky and don't like eating onions in their food, use the microplaner to grate in the onion; it makes it mushy, but you get all the onion flavor without the chunks. I'm a picky eater, and we tried this last night for a new dish; it worked nicely, but it does take quite a bit of elbow grease to get a substantial amount of onion to grate.


Some cookie tips!

Balled cookie tip: For cookies like sugar cookies and peanut-butter cookies, refrigerate at least two hours before shaping and use a smaller ice-cream scoop like this one, and then shape into a ball with your hand.

Now, on to the main event! Pastry crust!

#1: Measure your ingredients accurately. Too much of any specific ingredient can cause a multitude of mishaps. Stir the flour before measuring, it helps.

#2: Cut in your shortening until it looks like this:

#3: Use ICE COLD water, and toss with a fork until it looks like this:

#4: If your dough isn't rolling right, try wrapping it tightly with Saran Wrap and refrigerating it for an hour or so.

#5: Once you have your dough rolled (be sure to keep that board floured to prevent sticking!), put the rolling pin at the top of the dough and roll back, wrapping the dough around the pin. Ease it over the pie pan to prevent tears.

#6: Pie pans... Glass and dull metal are the best. Shiny metal pie pans can cause the bottom of your crust to come out soggy. Aluminum are smaller than standard, so if you use them buy the deep dish. Ceramics, same thing. They're not always the proper size. I like Pyrex glass pie pans, they're like $4 at Walmart and work beautifully.

#7: When making a baked pie shell, line the pan with a double-layer of aluminum foil, and remove before putting in the pastry. That way you're not puncturing holes in the crust with the foil. :)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Kissing the ass of the dick that fucks you.

I've had way too many posts all full of vitriol lately. Erf's work has done many things to piss me off though, in all fairness...


And up until this point, I've been fairly tolerant. I've just told Erf to stick it out, because getting him to quit seems to be the only logical explanation for all the bs they're spewing out lately. I figure that in most cases it's best to leave an employer with a good impression and no reason to give you a negative reference.

This, my kittens, is NOT one of those cases.

I've only quit without a two-week notice in one case. Ever. That was because my manager kept badgering me about my weight, and it was totally harassment. I never reported her, which I regret, but karma came and bit her ass... She was fired for drinking on the job.

Erf's district has said some shitty things to him up until this point. Which, you know, he's the district. Whatever. But what happened this morning was just over the line.

Erf got to work this morning to find the place a total mess. He's maintenance. It's his job to clean, yes, but not to clean up the shit that the crew members should be doing.

Can I just go on the record telling you all that when he was a manager if he had let his crew leave the place like that he would have gotten his ass CHEWED at the VERY least?

When he called the district to complain about the condition the place was left in (ice cream and toppings all over the counters and floor, the grill a total mess) he was told that it's his job to do their bitch work. Which means that, most likely, they won't be reprimanded for not doing THEIR jobs.

(I think I've caught a case of caps.)(Capital letters, not caps like popping a cap in someone's ass)(though I'd love to pop caps in a few choice asses right now)

It's one thing to say shitty things when you're the manager, but to allow others to shit on him like this? It's unacceptable. And it's bad business ethic.

Sadly, though, Erf needs this job until something else comes along. Anything that will pay him more than this job, really.

Except that newspaper route in the ghetto part of Duluth. Cause you could totally be killed running that route. And besides, it doesn't pay more than this job.

But when he gets a new job, I totally and completely support not giving them any notice whatsoever. I mean, fuck, he's due to be done as of Black Friday anyhow. What the fuck do they care?

Now, all I need to do is figure out a way to sneak sugar into the district's gas tank without getting caught...*



* No, I wouldn't really do that. But I'd really, really like to. I'd settle for keying his truck...

Monday, November 2, 2009

New Halloween Photos!

My grandpa got them off of his camera and sent them to me...

My little ass-whupping ninja! It came with a matching blue headband, but Erflet has a gigormous melon head and it was too tight. Doesn't he look too cute?!

And a better shot of my makeup - the flash really brings out the bruising, doesn't it? It also accentuates my red-rimmed eyes. God, I'm good.

Yes, I'm wearing glo-sticks as a necklace. Don't judge.

There's something about a pair of 4 1/2" stilettos that makes a girl feel...

Delicious.

It makes me want to battle the Orangutan Gene (shave my legs), put on a short skirt and a looooooong jacket.

I'm wearing my adorable Ciao Bella booties (yes, those are the ones I've got, and I got them on wicked sale for like $20 at DSW). They sound ridiculous, because I used to abhor the idea of booties. Until I tried them on. And then I realized.

Shit, they look good on me!

Plus, the inside is this soft, buttery leather. It makes my feet happy. Which, for being 6' tall WITHOUT heels and wearing 4 1/2" stilettos... It's saying a lot. I have a passion for wearing high heels. Luckily Erf (who refers to my booties as Grandma Shoes, cause they have laces), who is shorter than I am flat-footed, likes it when I wear heels.

I haven't found the courage to wear them without long pants yet, however. I still adore them anyhow.

Halloween... Let's see. Erflet was a ninja, I forgot to take pics with my phone due to the chaos at my father-in-law's house for my neice's birthday/trick-or-treating party. My grandpa got some, I'm just waiting for him to send them.

I did get photos of myself, though. Cause I sent them to Erf to get his approval.

Erflet was a ninja this year, and I went as his 'victim'.

All it took was red nail polish and eyeshadow.

Yes, I'm still smelling acetone from removing nail polish from inside my nose.

But I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in breadcrumbs if my wounds didn't look pretty fucking real, even if they weren't swollen. However, this gives you a great view of my dedication... Not only did I put NAIL POLISH on my FACE (which worked beautifully and looked way better than lipliner) but I lined my eyes with dark pink lipliner to look like I had been crying.

Except yesterday when I went to the grocery store for ingredients for turkey bacon BLTs and salad...

I realized when I got out of the car that while I sleepily removed my makeup and nail polish the night before, I still hadn't showered or really washed my face. So my pink eyeliner? Still on.

I was wearing Erf's leather motorcycle jacket (which is sort of redundant since we don't have a motorcycle)(Goddamn it, I wish we did) and had red-rimmed eyes.

I'm sure people came to one of two conclusions.

A.) I was cracked out
B.) I had been beaten by my husband.

Too bad I didn't have my full ass-kick makeup on still. :)

My friend Megan and I were chit-chatting this a.m. about my makeup. She told me that she wanted to come be my nurse. I asked her if she would leave the panties off under her outfit. She said of course. I asked her if she was going to take my temperature - with a strap on.

She laughed.

I'm such a good friend. :)

Also, I sliced my palm open on a chunk of sucker yesterday. Only me...

It hurts, someone come kiss it?

Friday, October 30, 2009

It's the witching hour. Perhaps I should buy some holy water...

Okay, so technically Halloween is tomorrow. Whatever.

This year's costume is gonna be pretty cool, but I think last year's costumes were the best...

We dressed up as the Scooby Doo Gang, minus Shaggy and Velma.

Because it's Friday and I feel like keeping shit simple due to my forget-my-crotch-if-I-didn't-have-it-permanently-attached-to-my-handbody mentality, here are our costumes from last year!

Scooby Doo! Is this not the cutest costume?! It cost me like $40 on Ebay, but it was totally worth it.

Schmexy Daphne Blake - We did a sort of 'updated' version instead of the traditional Fred and Daph. Because I couldn't find a Daph dress I liked...

Erf, however, looked fantastic in stressed vintage jeans, his blue/white shirt, polo and the handmade red/orange ascot. No lie, I sewed it by hand the night before and I used my flatiron to iron it flat. Ghetto rig, FTW! Also, I love him bleach blonde.

The Scooby Gang - I thought it was a cute effect.

This year Erflet is going to be a ninja, and I'm going to be his victim. I do well with makeup effects - black eyes, split lips, cuts and bruises, here I come! Well, tomorrow anyhow. We're going to our niece's birthday party. Me dressing up as having had the shit kicked out of me at a kid's party = win, don't you agree?

Because our boss says that for Halloween I could only dress up as a receptionist. We are a law office, after all. Even if we're going out to have a long drinking lunch fairly soon. ;)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

You lucky, lucky kittens.

Yes, more food porn. Strawberry Chocolate cookies (I'm pretty sure I perfected my recipe, by the way) (Yes, I know you all don't really give a shit about the recipe that I invented unless you're eating it), Peanut butter chip peanut butter cookies (I love Reeses for making both peanut butter and peanut butter chips), and miniature apple pies!

I also made Wanchai Ferry Spicy Garlic chicken for dinner. Look at me, all domestic-y. Shut up, enough with the June Cleaver cracks. Or I'll stuff a cleaver in your beaver crack. It's a meal in a box, sans chicken. And, because I'm so domestic-y, I made jasmine rice instead of the tiny packet of plain rice they include in the box. Cause jasmine rice is the SHIT.

I think it's really funny that you can find the directions online. Cause if I threw out the box, I'd totally go online to print off the directions instead of DIGGING THE BOX OUT OF THE GARBAGE.

Oh shut up, like you've never had to do the Dig of Shame.

Now the only digging you'll be doing is digging into your screen, hoping that it's Wonka-vision and you can reach up and grab my baked goodies.

Ooh, that sounded kinky!

So, the problem I've been having with my various strawberry cookie recipes is that the strawberries weep during baking, and inevitably soak the cookie in strawberry juices.

Haha, juices.

So, 78 paper towels later, I successfully squished the juices out of the strawberries. Not only were my cookies less liquidy, but the strawberry flavor was better incorporated throughout the batter.

See? I made milk chocolate strawberry cookies with Ghirardelli chips - Nestle can't touch Ghirardelli. When you pop these kittens in the microwave (ha, kittens in a microwave)(Just kidding, PETA, I'd never REALLY put a kitten in a microwave... At least, I'd never turn it on.) the chocolate melts and it tastes like a chocolate-dipped strawberry. Mmm, mmm!

While I was perfecting my strawberry cookies, this was chilling in my fridge. Because chilling formed cookie dough (like peanut butter or sugar cookie) helps it form better and with less mess. Peanut butter cookies made with Reeses peanut butter and Reeses peanut butter chips.

My kitchen smelled like a friggin peanut butter cup. It ruled.

Pretty peanut butter balls (ha, balls) coated in sugar, awaiting desecration by fork tine.

FYI - the chips made the flattening a wee bit more difficult than I thought...

But it worked out just fine. No worries! I wish my camera phone would've captured the sparkly sugar. They were prettyful!

Ah, chopped Granny Smith apples. Are you enjoying your coating of sugar, flour, cinnamon and nutmeg? You bet your bitch asses you're enjoying it. Especially with the secret ingredient I added!

Miniature apple pies!

Seriously, these things are just too darling!

I'm slowly turning into a baking blog, aren't I? I mean, obvi, I won't hold a candle to Bakerella for quite some time. But I'm okay with that.

Because I blog about other things besides baking. Like New Problem Monsters and wanting to beat the hell out of my husband.

Ooh! "Out Tonight" just came on Pandora! "I wanna put on a tight skirt, and flirt with a stranger."

Erf took Erflet up to his dad's again yesterday to do laundry. They both came home acting like dicks and smelling of stale cigarette smoke. Erflet was good until his cousin got home from school. He didn't listen for SHIT last night, and Erf was acting like a patience-devoid asshat. I wanted to slap them both and go to the bar. I was afraid that I'd come home to bloodshed, however.

Even Erf has finally realized that Erflet gets a bad attitude when he hangs around his cousins. It might help if the boys were a wee bit better disciplined, but I'm not their mom and it's not my responsibility to interfere with her parenting. Or lack thereof.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister in law, she just has the family half Russian (where ya Russian to? Haha!)- half German temper. Erf has it too, and I've been slowly training him to calm down and be a wee bit more patient. Not an easy task, believe you me.

And I'm the one who has to take him to daycare the next day and explain to them why he has a bad Thursday almost EVERY WEEK.

Speaking of daycare, Erflet's daycare is being closed by the church. Stupid asshats. Luckily the other center is still open and two of the four teachers are going to move to center 1 and Caden is ready to begin there on November 9th. I'm incredibly sad because this means 1) No more living across the street from the daycare and 2) I'll have to get up half an hour earlier now every day he has daycare. Pissmonkeys. I already get little enough sleep. Fucking night-owl personality...

However, tonight is Grey's and Private Practice - and I was up baking until 1 am. No lie, check my Twitter. I foresee headpillow at 10:05 pm tonight.

And Erf has a job interview, um... Right now. I'll update if there's any news!

**Update - Erf said that they liked him and he's going to meet with some other people next week! Excellent!**

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

All the pleasure, none of the stickiness...

So, last Friday I received my JimmyJane Afterglow Massage Oil candle from Toy With Me!

I was so excited that I just kept opening it to sniff it. Sort of like some sex-crazed, massage-loving bloodhound. Except with more less wrinkles.

I was slightly disappointed with one factor, however...

The bubble wrap wasn't the fun poppable kind. Except for Erf. He bunched it up and it popped. I, however, am not the caveman of the house and couldn't do it. Way to be a pussy, self.

Once I got beyond my bubblewrap disappointment, I was delighted to open the adorable box!

As you can see, we chose the Pink Lotus scent. It had a delightful floral scent; it sort of bordered as a cross between lilac and gardenia. And those are two of my favorite flowers. Lilac is my absolute favorite. Jasmine, gardenia and rose are close followers. I love the whore-scented florals. ;)

Inside the box is everything we needed to get our party started! The candle (duh!), a brush for the massage oil, and matches! And the ever so important warning that this massage oil is not for use as a lubricant. You know, like in a vagina or something. Lube your chest/back/legs/earlobes/toes/knees/elbows away, kittens!

It's very pretty to look at, with it's frosted glass container.

And the brush was nice and soft.

Now, on to the nitty-gritty!

We put Erflet to bed, and we set up a pseudobed in the living room (because I didn't want to have to wash the sheets we just put on the day before). We lit the JimmyJane candle, and pulled out some other candles for ambiance. Erf, like the girl he is, appreciated my efforts at romance.

Or it may have been that he enjoyed the blowjob.

We waited for the candle to melt out to the edges as the guide directs you to do (hence the blowjob - I had to do something to kill time). It took about 45 minutes to an hour, not the 30 minutes they say it will. That? It's my only complaint!

Then, Erf laid on his tummy (he was a spoiled boy that night, I tell ya) and got the first massage. I painted his back for a bit with the brush and then re-lit the candle so it could melt more and be warm for my massage. I gave him a good half hour massage before begging finger cramps... The oil stayed nice and slick and it made my hands super-soft. It had a lovely scent, and it wasn't too overbearing.

So I flopped down after toweling off my hands and Erf's back, and Erf went to work on me. The oil was the perfect temperature, just warm enough to feel, but not too warm. It didn't feel slimy, it had a pleasant slip to it. It did make funny squish noises, though. ;)

I thoroughly enjoyed it, and can't wait to use it again. This experience was, for us, more so about the romance and reconnection and pampering than sex.

But seriously? I can't wait to use it for sex!

Also, there will be more food porn for you all tomorrow! I'm making peanut butter cookies with peanut butter chips, milk chocolate strawberry cookies, and mini apple pies.

Excited? You bet your bitch asses you best be excited!

Monday, October 26, 2009

In which I turn to you, my readers, because I'm a please-everyone whore.

Yes, I will eschew my own happiness to make everyone else happy. I have done it for quite some time and will probably continue to try and make everyone happy regardless of how many times I find myself curled in the fetal position in my shower with mascara streaks running down the drain.


I frequently do everything I can, due to some of my family members' high-maintenance personalities, to make family happy. I grew up in a fairly happy home, but nothing changed the fact that my birth mother left me when I was born - and left me feeling as if I had done something wrong.

So, from early childhood, I've felt the need for approval. To know that I'm liked. This lent itself well to my high-school years as I am a pretty likeable person who can mold her personality at a whim. It's also helped me in various jobs that most people would've found unbearable. I'm that customer service person. Yep. I'm like the real life fucking Flo from the Progressive commercials.

Except you'll never catch me in a Bumpit with bright red lipstick.

Sometimes, though, I have enough and I open my mouth. I can stand up for myself, but the people who piss me off usually have a hard time hearing the truth about themselves. And so they stop talking to me for periods of time. So you may understand why I usually keep my wide ass trap shut up tighter than Fort Knox.

And because underneath the swagger I'm still a giant pussy, I'd like to ask you for your opinions on something that developed over the weekend. I can never be sure if I've overreacted to something, so here goes...

As most of you who follow my blog know, my husband Erf recently got demoted, causing us to need to apply for assistance until he can find another full-time job. It's not something I'm proud of because I thought that this portion of our lives was behind us; but I accept that it is, for now, a necessity. And I plan on getting off of it as soon as I possibly can, because I'm not one of those deadbeat parents who lets the state pay for everything without doing their best to support themselves -

And that is not directed to those who need aid to survive; it's directed to the crackwhores who squirt out babies for welfare money -

I'm a proud person. But I'm not too proud to take help when it's needed. I pay my taxes, and you're damn straight that I've got every right to use the state aid I help pay for to help me when I need it.

However, a family friend of mine commented on my facebook status yesterday, and I - being the giant pussy I am - am wondering if there's something different you might have said/done or if you think I may have overreacted.

The only things I'm changing are the names.

My Facebook status:

Excited for steak and baked potatoes. For now, watching Erf whup some orc ass (ironically, he named his char Urukai) in Champions of Norrath. The Everquest PS2 game is pretty decent. Nice and long - which, for Erf, is good!

My family friend, who is all about the dramz, posted a comment on that status. This is our following exchange (the red is him, blue is me):

How can you afford steak and potatos when you just posted that you were applying for assistance?

You know, Dramz, that's more than a little insulting and degrading. Way to make me feel like shit about something that's out of my control.

And fyi, I bought a cheap cut at $2 per steak and marinaded it and a 5 lb bag of potatoes is like $3 - if it's any of your business. Not like I fucking bought filet mignon...

Ashley? You posted it for everyone to see and I commented. No need to get all nasty on me. You said it. NOT ME! I can barely afford a pack of hot dogs let alone a cheap ass steak. More power to you if you can get the government to pay for you to eat steak and pay for health care and day care. Our system is FUC**D!

I said that I applied for assistance - whose business is it how I purchase food? I usually eat nothing but chicken and ground turkey because it's cheaper than beef. I buy almost everything generic now.

And Erf and I are both working, so we do have some income. The government didn't pay for our steak because it hasn't given us anything yet. It's no one else's business how we spend our money but ours, but it came out of our pocket. It's not like I applied for assistance because I'm some crackwhore trying to fuck the system. I didn't enjoy doing it, and I hope to get off it as soon as I can. But Erf got demoted and got his hours docked severely - so we NEED the help. I'm doing what needs to be done to help my family. Who are you to judge me? Because you're making me sound like some worthless welfare mom who's letting the government pay for everything. I'm not. I work full time and I pay taxes, so the money I'm paying my state should help me when I need it. I make NO apologies for that.

So, what do you think? Overreaction? Or was I right to react as I did?

Also, please know that I don't routinely go around spouting off things like this - or at least, I pretend that I don't. :)

The good news is that I'm planning on reviewing my JimmyJane Massage Oil candle tomorrow! They're fabulous, and if you can get one, buy one!

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming already in progress...

Friday, October 23, 2009

Today can lick my puckered poop chute.

I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days, kittens.


Things at work have been a mite bit crazy. I got in this morning to find out that there was a huge hullabaloo regarding one of our high-priority clients. So with the attorney and the paralegal both out of the office, I had to get as much of this taken care of as possible. The one I really felt sorry for was the cab driver; it's a good thing we use him for her stuff a lot and that he knows most of what's up with her.

My candle didn't arrive yesterday, but according to Toy With Me it should be delivered today. Yay for tracking!

I also watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time the other night.

I may get flogged for this.

What the fuck is the point of that movie? It was slow and stupid and I'm pretty sure I lost at least 14 IQ points watching it. *side head-whip* Gawd.

I was also accosted by another high-maintenance client who (Thank JEBUS) has taken her crazy ass to another attorney and wants copies of her file. She called me at 2:00 yesterday. We have a whole office with her paperwork in it. She wants it by 3:00 today.

I'm pretty sure that I'll be typing up a letter or two, dropping off said file, and going the fuck home. *yawn*

Good news; we are now on Wisconsin's healthcare... I hate that I feel so dirty about this. Perhaps it's because I thought that this chapter of our life was over. Erf had a good paying job, we didn't have medical, but making bills wasn't by the skin on our teeth.

The lake looks like muddy hot cocoa again today.

I'm pretty sure that I need to begin watching Glee.

Things are getting stressed between Erf and I again... He gets pissy when he's not providing, and while it's understandable, it's mildly annoying. At least he and Erflet are getting to be best buddies. Gives Mama a much-needed break.

Want to know what's going to be in the bath with me, caressing my petal-soft (HA) skin?

This. Or, possibly, this or this.

Yeah, you're jealous. Lush is fucking awesome.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Substances that make me gag...

I brought Campbell's Chunky Steak and Potato soup for lunch today. Seriously, their steak is actually really good.

Aw, shit. I just read that label and realized that there are mushrooms in it. Fuck a duck.

I'm not a fan of mushrooms. I suppose I'll just eat around them.

I know, mushrooms are good, good for you, whatever (back down, health nuts)... But I have a very weird freaking texture aversion. It's my diagnosis (cause I'm totally a doctor), not a professional's. But there are certain textures I can't handle in my mouth without gagging.

Yogurt is not one of them. ;)

And by yogurt, I mean jism yogurt without chunks in it.

However, chunks of fruit in my ice cream (which I fucking HATE with the fury of 1,000 suns), mushrooms, escargot (even though I adore the taste), fat and gristle... The list goes on and on. They all make me gag-ariffic.

Erf is going up to his dad's house today. Can I even tell you how happy I am that it's raining out? Last week we had another issue with Erflet not having a close watch kept on him. For those of you too lazy to click the link I've so sweetly provided, Erf didn't keep a close eye on Erflet and he ended up almost wandering into the woods by father-in-law's house.

I wonder if I need to write in permanent ink on the inside of his glasses...

"THREE YEAR OLDS ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BE OUTSIDE UNSUPERVISED."

Also, because I'm at work alone this week, and I got bored...

I was looking for a cool pic of Jessica Rabbit, and came across a blank coloring page pic of her.

So I decided to play with MS Paint. ;) I made her an auburn-haired, blue-eyed siren with a pink dress and pastel green gloves. Cause I have blue eyes and auburn hair.

And I do have pasty, pasty skin.

And I freaking love the color pink.

This is also an exciting week because last Friday, I won the comment contest on Toy With Me's Dear Redhead post!

I had to tell the story of my first sex toy experience. I'm very frank, not easily embarrassed, and all around awesome. Which, of course, makes an excellent platform for talking about my first sex toy experience.

What did I win, my lovelies? I won JimmyJane Afterglow Massage Oil Candles. She even let me pick the scent!

I picked Pink Lotus, by the way. Erf and I decided together, and because Pink Lotus sounds like a vagina he was sick of vanilla.

And reading Toy With Me's review on JimmyJane's candles... Well, it piqued my interest to say the least. I was incredibly excited that I had won, (because I never win anything) and she said they're schedule to arrive on Thursday, October 22nd. Tomorrow, kittens.

Grey's Anatomy and a free prize?!

Thursday fucking rules. Just like McLovin'.

And yes, of course I'll be giving you all a review once we get to try them out. I don't know if I'll get to do it Thursday night because Private Practice is on at 9, and Erf usually likes to go to bed around 10. Maybe my parents will take Erflet overnight on Friday...

Oh Moooooom!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It's Food Porn once more, Part II!

So, my little loves, I've a favor to ask you before I present you with the food porn...

My beloved Aunt Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka is up for two Blogger's Choice Awards... I know that most of you already know her and follow her, but if you could be ever so kind and take 5 minutes to vote for her, I'd appreciate it... And I know she would too. I mean, she's getting her ass handed to her by Dooce. Dooce is not very funny.

Help a bitch out, and vote for her for Best Humor Blog and Hottest Mommy Blogger. And also? She promises to show us an elusive photo of herself if we vote for her!

Now, on to the food porn!

So last year, my friend Ooh Law Law came home from Florida for Christmas and she had given me a mission. She had eaten these cookies called Strawberry Shortcake cookies, and she wanted some for Christmas. :) However, all she could give me was a description of the cookie (soft, sugar-cookie-like cookie, white chocolate, and strawberries)...

So I looked at some different recipes, and I created a cookie recipe.

Chopped strawberries, cookie dough, and white chocolate chips... I took a photo prior to mixing because I thought the strawberries looked ever-so-pretty.

Kind of looks like strawberries and cream oatmeal, doesn't it? :)

Don't you want to just scoop them up and eat them raw?

But they look even more delicious after baking. I also make them with milk chocolate chips.

And when you warm those babies up in the oven and eat them warm? It's like eating a chocolate-dipped strawberry...

My friend Meghan's mom was sweet enough to make calligraphy cards so that everyone knew what each delectable dessert was called...

Her calligraphy is so pretty. She offered to teach me...

But I have a difficult time writing the same way all the time... Seriously. My handwriting changes almost every day.

COOOOKIIIIEEEEESSSS!

I told you. You read my posts on food porn, and you're getting nowhere near the amount of almost all the satisfaction without any of the calories!

Monday, October 19, 2009

It's Food Porn once more!

So a month or so ago, my friend Meghan had the brilliant idea to have a chocolate party. She had tried something chocolate that I had made, and realized that it would be fun to get a bunch of ladies together for a chocolate sample party!

Then she decided to go simply crazy! She had a Mary Kay party co-mingled with the chocolate. Cause chocolate? Great selling tactic. Even if you're not going to buy anything, you're getting free chocolate!

So she placed her order: a French Silk pie, an 8th Deadly Sin pie, a Double Chocolate Orange Torte, and Strawberry Shortcake Cookies. The 8th Deadly and Strawberry Shortcake recipes are ones that I created myself; the cookies I made especially for Ooh Law Law. :)

We met at a local Mexican restaurant and planned; and I remembered the cute mini tart pans I bought a few months ago. The idea for the mini-pie was hatched. Cookies are self-serve no matter what, and the torte would just be cut up prior to serving.

I'll have to split this into two posts, as I'm sure 16 photos are a bit much for one post. :)

Chocolate crust for the 8th Deadly Sin - too cute!

They're just sitting there, waiting for the cinnamon french silk, ganache and whipped cream...

Ah, there we go! Being a smart cookie (some would just call me a smartass, but whatevs), I piped different designs on each kind of pie so we could tell them apart. Stars seemed to work well for my 8th Deadly pies...

But I went with a shell/swirl combination for my French Silk.

Here are all my pretty ladies. Wouldn't they be perfect for something like a baby shower?!

Next up on my list; Double Chocolate Orange torte. A chocolate orange cake (made with fresh-squeezed orange juice and orange zest), filled with orange marmalade, drenched in a luscious chocolate ganache frosting, and garnished with hand-piped chocolate and a fanned strawberry.

Because Meghan was calling it a Chocolate Decadence party, I piped that out for the garnish.

(This is the side that says, 'Chocolate', by the way...)

And 'Decadence'.

Tomorrow, Strawberry Shortcake Cookies and the pretty place cards Meghan's mom created for the goodies...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

To my sweet, wonderful, tolerant husband...

I'm going to get sort of sappy again. Because sometimes you lose yourself in the child and forget the man who helped you get one. And I don't ever want anyone to doubt that I love my husband very, very much.

I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey...

Fittingly enough, we're going to fly back to Halloween 2000. I had recently moved in with my parents (I grew up with my grandparents), and I was having a tough time with things. My then-boyfriend had a 'thing' for Britney, so I dressed up as Britney for Halloween. 'Baby One More Time' Britney. No, I don't have photos, but suffice to say I was hot in my plaid skirt, knee-high socks and heeled loafers. The braided pigtails were really hot, too.

That was the first time he saw me. It was a rough day, and I was a bit down. He told me later that he had the urge to come up to me and give me a big hug, but he was afraid I'd freak out a bit. Considering that we'd never met, he was probably right. :) He would see me every once in a while walking through the halls of the school. Then after the new school year began in 2001, he didn't see me once. He thought that perhaps I had moved.

Cue the second semester of school, 2002. My very first class of the year was Weight Training. We basically got to fuck around with the gym equipment all hour. Easy A class. Then, we saw each other. He was amazed to see me again, and I was stunned by the feeling I got the first time I saw him. I knew then that he was someone special, and I was right. The semester creeped by with him too shy to talk to me, and me trying vivaciously to get him to talk to me.

Junior year prom was rolling around, and I didn't have a date. I was going to take our landlord (Hey, he was a hot firefighter with a Harley. And better yet, he was willing to go with me.), and my heart dropped every time Erf described the night he had planned for his then-girlfriend for prom. Then, O! miracle of miracles! They broke up! I flew in there, regaling him with my woes of not having a real date for prom... Just a hot firefighter pity-date. :)

Then, he looked at me with his face blazing red and said, "Why don't we go together?"

Within a day, we were officially dating.

Things were bliss for quite some time, going on dates, talking every night on the phone... One of his favorite stories involves me trying on stripper heels, falling down, and knocking over a table full of shoes. In late April/early May of 2003 my Grandma fell ill. Her kidneys began failing, and her congestive heart failure was causing her heart to give out. We had been living with her for almost a year, and we had hospice nurses coming in to help with her care. It was basically just keeping her morphine dripping and waiting. Erf was the best boyfriend a girl could have asked for. He worked at a local construction outlet store loading/unloading trucks during the early (5 a.m.) shift, then worked at a local nursing home as dietary aide. When he was finished with work around 2:30-3:00, he'd come over to our house and do whatever we needed. Cooking, cleaning, helping with grandma's care, and just being there. Even when I wasn't home.

May 4th, 2003, my grandma passed away. Erf spent most of his free time with us, helping to do whatever we needed him to do. Shortly thereafter, things at his house became strained with his sister moving in, and Mom allowed him to move in since I had turned 18 on the 8th. (yep, 4 days after my grandma died. Good timing, huh?) In June of 2003, his mom died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I did what any good girlfriend would do, I spent time with his family alongside him, doing what I could. Soon after, things conspired and he ended up moving back in with his dad unwillingly. I followed within a month.

That began the first stressful period of our relationship; he shut down after his mom died. I persisted, because I'm a tough bird to shake, and not long after we got an apartment of our own he began to come around. Then we moved to Fargo. Another tough period of time for us. I tried to reconcile with my birth mother, and it didn't go so well. I was reeling from the rebuff, he was upset being so far away from home. Then Erflet pronounced his impending arrival. Not long after, our commission jobs failed us and we lost our apartment. We moved in with my grandparents before unceremoniously getting the boot in the form of my grandma paying the deposit and first month's rent for an apartment for us - even though I had to quit my job due to heavy weight lifting.

Stomach cramps during pregnancy - especially when lugging a 70 lb box - are never good.

So we were stuck in an apartment, me jobless, and Erf not working due to the lack of appointments in December. Erflet arrived, and things got worse. We fought all the time, I was a crazy bitch who was overly-protective of our son, he resented me for not giving him a chance.

The lack of sex couldn't have helped at all, though.

One day it seemed to snap us both; we needed to work this out. And slowly, we did. We put the effort and hard work into it, and we pushed through. We rekindled our love, and one night while talking decided it was time to finally make an honest woman out of him. ;)

On April 10, 2009 (Dude, we so got married on Good Friday. Getting married on the day Jesus was crucified = WIN), I became Mrs. Erf. And regardless of the hard times we're going through right now, we know that we can push through it together.

Baby, here's to us, 70 years from now, yelling at one another in utter deaf bliss. I'll love you even when you crap your pants and sprout hair long enough to be braided from your nose.

I even promise to dig on you when your glasses could double as a microscope.

I love you. :)

Yes, he is biting my shoulder. We're kinky like that.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Short post today

I'm not going to post a long blog today like I usually do. I'm feeling stabby, and my eyes hurt.


Why do my eyes hurt? Because I think I may need glasses. I don't wear them now, but I can feel the strain when I'm looking at the computer screen. I'm struggling to differentiate the words sometimes, especially when people don't use freaking paragraph breaks.

The bad news is that with Erf's recent demotion and our lack of Comfortable Income, I can't go up to the walk-in eye clinic and then take my prescription next door to Eye Mart and get new glasses in an hour. Cause I don't need stupid shit like Transitions or anti-glare lenses. Either way, It's $55 for the exam and $80+ for the frames alone... It cost us about $300 total when we got Erf's this spring, but he got Transitions.

And no, we don't have insurance. I'm hoping to get back on the Wisconsin BadgerCare bandwagon, but I'm waiting for Erf's first check without any salary days on it. And the bad news is that there's only one eye exam place that takes Badgercare around here, and Badgercare clients are last priority and have a special list that's usually a 3-month wait. And then another couple week wait for the glasses.

Anyone willing to pay $300 for new glasses so I don't go fucking crazy at work?

And work is making me stabby today. Mullet-ed attorney did some free checking into a matter for a client's friend, and she totally bitched at me because things weren't going exactly how SHE wanted them to go. Sorry, but it's not his responsibility to file this paperwork you're waiting for, so yes, you'll have to go to court until the opposing attorney files it. No need to call Mullet-ed attorney a 'horseshit attorney who apparently didn't fucking do anything for you'.

You didn't pay him. As an attorney friend of mine said very eloquently, "Pro bono work is great in theory. In theory."

I'm thinking of taking a Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday off so that I can have a few recoup days. I haven't had any days off since after the wedding in April... Even though we have half-day Fridays. What am I bitching for? I don't know. I'd just like some alone time, I guess.

My eyes are hurting... Off to listen to some music and be thankful that I don't have any computer work to do...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

To my darling baby boy, Erflet...

Born in February of 2006, you are the piece of heart I never knew I was missing until you found me. I wasn't looking for you, but you found me anyhow.

Your father and I got the official news on June 20th, 2005. You certainly surprised us...

Rolling around to late 2005, your arrival was drawing nearer and nearer. Everyone kept telling me that once you were here, I would no longer have a life of my own. They were wrong, yet oh so right at the same time. I can still go out and do things, but you own my life. My heart is within you, walking around outside my body. I never knew how complete you would make me feel.

Daddy was away a lot after you were first born, and we stuck together through it. It was you and I for some time, and we developed a bond that I don't think could ever be broken. You're my little Gorgeous (regardless of how much grandma hates that nickname), and my sidekick.

You look like your father, but there is so much of me wrapped up in you. Your personality is almost a perfect reflection of mine, all the way down to the smart-ass remarks. I recall how much it annoyed my grandma when she was raising me, so I at least know what I'm getting into as you get older. ;)

And you're such a little love... You're almost four, and you still give random hugs and kisses for no reason. You love to cuddle with Daddy and I, and you're so affectionate. You can't go to bed without a lot of hugs and kisses, or let us drop you off at daycare without the same. When I put you to bed and sit next to you stroking your face and hair, I can feel that absolute love and trust that you have in me.

And baby boy, I promise to do everything in my power to keep earning that every day.

There are times when we're watching a movie, and you'll reach over and stroke my hair or my arm, or you'll simply put your hand in mine. I just want to hug you to me and hold you forever.

And the times you tell me you love me without me telling you first make my heart fly.

There are times when you'll wake up early from your nap and we'll lay on the couch, you sprawled out on top of me with your head resting atop my heart... And you'll fall asleep listening to Mama's heartbeat. If I could bottle up those sweet baby breaths to cherish later, when you get older and you're too cool for your Mama, I would. I hope that you'll never stop your random hugs, even if you do have to wait until no one else is around.

I hope I'll be a great Mama to you in years to come, because you've been the best son I could have ever thought to ask for. I will always love you no matter what the future holds. As Daddy always describes his relationship with his mama, there are unbreakable golden chains binding us.

And when you get older, get married, and have your own babies, know that when I hold my first grandchild I'll close my eyes and remember your sweet baby breaths on my neck as you slept.

Know that every time I look at you, I have no doubt that every moment of morning sickness, every second of labor, every sleepless night, every spit-up-on shirt, was worth it. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Know that when and if you ever get a baby brother or sister, you'll always have a special place in my heart as my firstborn. Daddy and I have had some hard times, and your love for the both of us helped us to remember the love we had for one another. You've made us all stronger in our love, and you're completely irresistible.

To put it in so many and so few words, I love you baby boy... I always will.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Because I'm sure most of you are just dying for this...

I realized that as much as I bitch about how Erflet looks nothing like me, I've never provided you all with photographic proof of said claims.

How terrible of me. *slaps self mockingly* Bad llama.

So, here it is: photographic proof that we look almost nothing alike.
Yeah, check out my giant Jew-schnoz. Ohhh yeah. Bom bom, chick, chicka-chicka.

However, there's no denying he's got one obvious feature of mine. Can you guess?
Yes, he's dressed up as Batman. This was Halloween 2007. I was dressed up as Bahamas Barbie.

Don't pretend you're not m'er-effing jealous. My costume rocked, because I bought the outfit in the Bahamas back in 2003. It says Bahamas all over it.

By the way; the baby blues? He's 5th generation. I, my dad, my grandma, and my great-grandpa all had the baby blues. Can you tell it's a dominant gene in my family? My sister, Katie, has them as well; but hers are pure blue. Erflet and I have flecks of hazel in ours.

See? Okay, so the flash brings out the white flecks more than the hazel. Look above the pupil. :)

Seriously, this is one of my all-time favorite pics of myself.

I'm so self-absorbed.