Or also known as, 'A Love Letter To My White Trash Neighbors'.
Dear White Trash Neighbors,
I'm sorry, do you prefer the term Appalachian American?
Anywho, it's your neighbor. Yes, the crazy single girl who does her laundry at 11:00 on Friday nights. You know, the one you always run into because you're smoking in the laundry room in a non-smoking building? Yeah, my kid's lungs really appreciate that, you pricks.
I'm pretty sure that between the scent of the ammonia from your eternally unclean cat litter boxes, the pot I can tell you've been smoking (and really, if someone who has never smoked a j can tell, it's strong) and your apparent lack of personal hygiene that you're probably both mental ward escapees. Congratulations on chewing through your bonds, I hear they're a bitch.
I wanted to write you this letter to tell you how much I appreciated your rendition of Bag Full Of Cats Being Beaten With A Sharp Stick in high C. It really was wonderful. I'm almost speechless at it's beauty. Who wouldn't want to hear a tinkling chorus of, 'FUCK YOU's and 'GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!'s? It's not like nails against a chalkboard, I swear. It's like the giggling of magical mermaids under a rainbow waterfall.
But in all seriousness, at 11:00 at night? Really? I was sitting in my living room, the farthest place in my apartment away from yours, and I could still hear every word you said. I have a five year old. You social rejects, please mainline some Drano. Immediately. Honestly, if I could I would toss your asses in pits in the ground and tell you to put the lotion on your skin or else you'd get the hose again.
Please run back to the mental hospital from whence you escaped. Go enjoy the wonderful drugs they give you. I'm pretty sure you'll get something that will make you go catatonic and forget about how daddy beat you and took away your Christmas money from grandma so he could buy another line of nose candy and forget all about that time the condom broke and all he got was this whiny little bitch of a kid.
Oh, and while you're at it, please surrender your cats to the local shelter. Those poor animals didn't do anything bad enough to deserve living in an environment of that quality. No one should ever abuse pussy like that. And maybe make sure the men in white coats give you a shower. With bleach. And Comet. And a stainless steel scouring pad. And a dose of Penicillin. Maybe two for good measure.
The really annoyed and pissed off girl with the big rack that you're constantly oogling whenever you see me. Seriously, it makes me want to shower in water hot enough to sterilize medical equipment.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Or also known as, 'A Love Letter To My White Trash Neighbors'.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
And thanksgiving this year began much like thanksgiving last year did. With me dropping something.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Dating is decidedly becoming less and less of the bullshit variety with every date I've gone on lately.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I had a date last night. Yeah, that's been happening a lot lately. Dating is bullshit, but it also is not. Seeing as I've only had one bad date, I'm kind of digging this whole dating thing.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Breathe really is a funny looking word, isn't it? It seems like there shouldn't be an 'e' on the end of it.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
This was just too funny not to make into a blog post. Here is a conversation I had this afternoon with a guy I met on OkCupid (texts are typed verbatim):
Monday, October 24, 2011
Today I went out for lunch with my mom and a few of her co-workers... We went to Applebees. Because, duh, 2 for $20? Of course!
I gorged myself on boneless wings and ate 1/4 of my salad, but whatever.
We had a really cute server. Really cute. Of course everyone at the table comments on it, and I agreed...
I smiled, held my glances a few times, being generally flirtatious, but trying not to be overly so. He brought us some plates for our appetizers and asked if we needed anything, and I said something along the lines of no thank you, but I didn't look at him. My mom comments on how flirty I was.
Um, huh? Wha? I didn't even LOOK at him! Apparently the flirt was in my voice. Huh.
So then he commented on her nails, and I kind of struck a conversation about how I designed them and he was smiling and flirting, and I was smiling and flirting back.
After he walks away from the table and we THOUGHT he was out of earshot, my mom and I turn to each other and say, "Now THAT was flirting!"
He walks back and says, "Yes, it was!"
I turned such a lovely shade of deep red at that point. It was still nice to have our suspicions confirmed. :) Luckily he was really cool about it and it didn't really get awkward, but I just had to write a blog post about it. It was too funny.
Yes, I left him the link... Clever, no?
Alright, back to Castle to distract myself from my piece of shit phone being a total douche canoe and not working. AGAIN. Less than two months until I'm eligible for upgrade... Less than two months until the archaic motherfucker gets it's ass traded in for credit...
I will have a replacement coming in, but it doesn't get in until Wednesday. Until then, I can only make phone calls. FML. *sigh* Oh, well.
Friday, October 21, 2011
I'm sitting here with a huge grin on my face.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
If you don't know who Debra Morgan is, well, I just feel sorry for you not having experienced the wonder that is Dexter. I heart him like whoa, and I would so marry him and make Harrison a good mama.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Too bad I'm such a dipshit about writing new blogs. But at least I usually write about something entertaining! Right?...
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
It started back in May with a flirtation from a hot guy.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
After a few hours of meaningless web surfing, I finally found a new blog template. I figure the refreshed availability of blog posting opportunity deserves a new design. And this one isn't nearly as dark as the old one and fits me much better. Pink diamonds? Hello? Yes! Plus, it looks sassy, and this is Sassy Pie after all.
Friday, September 23, 2011
I've got big girl internet now! As in totally and completely mine, no one else can kype it. And I shall call my network, '404 Error'. I figure anyone in my apartment building that has any idea what it means will get a chuckle out of it.
Served up by Sassy Pie at 2:04 PM
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
So wow, I have once again fallen into the land of the Intarwebz-less. Whoever my fabulous neighbors were who had unlocked internet, I miss you. Come back.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
So everyone has heard the bemused meandering thoughts of the general male population about how someone like Helen Keller would make the perfect girlfriend. She's blind, deaf, and mute! Cut her off at the knees and every guy in the free world will be chasing after her.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I was in top form this Monday night.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
So remember how I said my parents would never set me up on Match.com?
Friday, May 6, 2011
Birthdays. I have a serious love/hate relationship with them.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
My co-worker Amy and I were talking today. She was telling me all about how Match.com worked for her and her boyfriend, they've been together five years, and so on and so forth.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
So as I'm sure all of you kittens might have guessed by now, I've been working like crazy. I always appreciated the time Sam put in, but they say you can't really understand until you walk in another person's moccasins.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
So last night I went to a drag show at a local gay bar. Drag shows are pretty much full of win and awesome... No one judges you for singing along and dancing like a fucking retard on pixie sticks (both of which I love to do).
Friday, April 1, 2011
Okay, as I'm padding back and forth down the hallway to check on the washer in the communal laundry room, I realize something.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
So, my plans for today were pretty much uneventful. I got up around 9, made Erflet breakfast, made myself breakfast, sat down and watched Scooby Doo 2 with Erflet. Around noon, I took a shower and piled Erflet and my sister Katie into the car to drive to my grandparents' house to print off copies of our tax return for Erf's FAFSA... Then I brought Katie home and hung with my parents for a while.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Change. That's what growing up is all about, isn't it? You change. For better, for worse, to adapt...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
To the three of you who might still be following my blog, thank you. To any newcomers, my record is spotty, but I plan on updating at least once a week from now on.