Is this a sexual thing? Does this *look* sexual to you?

Fucking right I'm sexual. You know you all want me. At least I know that Aunt Becky and Beautiful Mess do. I think Mrs. Soup does as well.

My sexual desire is something that used to be nearly constant... When Erf and I first began, um... Copulating... I wanted it all. the. freaking. time. Most guys dream of a woman who just wants to have lots and lots of sex, right? I didn't even demand that he make sure that I finished, mostly because we were still working out all the kinks of how to get me there and hadn't succeeded yet. And before you get all Judgy McJudgerson, know this; Erf is the only man I've ever had sex with.

You know, because I don't count Dirk the 7-Feature Handheld Showerhead. There was no penetration, I SWEAR!

*Cough* Um... No, really. My vagina isn't big enough and can you say yeast infection? Yeah.

So yeah. Erf is not just any guy. He began to worry that I just wanted him for sex. Cue the Awww... Yes, he even asked me for LESS sex because he wanted to make sure our love was real, and not just all full of The Lust. Cue June of 2005; when we found out that we were expecting an adorable, vomit and crap-filled crotch monkey. I had nasty morning sickness, and I am not a person who handles vomit well. Especially my own. I vomit with a force. The Dark Side wishes it were my vomit. I vomit out my nose, my back and stomach muscles are sore for a day or so, and oh; I can usually feel my eyes bulge out when I spew. Charming.

Erf was still attracted to me, in all my vomitty pregger-ness. I, however, would have happily given up The Penis for quite some time. Lots of mercy-fucking, lemme tell ya. My sex drive took a serious dip. I hated it, but that was around the time that Erf and I started going through a serious Rough Patch. We were 4 1/2 hours away from our families with an unexpected pregnancy and on the verge of getting evicted from our apartment because our jobs sucked. Oh, and this was just a year after his mom died and about 6 months after I had another failed attempt to reconcile with my birth mother - which was the only reason we really moved there in the first place.

I have just now begun to get my sex drive back. I have no idea if it was the pregnancy, stress, birth control (I switched to the copper IUD in February of last year), or what. But, thank the Lord, I actually WANT sex again.

Speaking of sex, I love being dominated (yeap, more than you wanted to know) and I'd heard that Secretary is a good dominance flick. Very kinky, people said.

I got the movie. I understood it. But I work for a lawyer who is self-employed. I'm his receptionist. He is older than my father. Anyone else see where this movie made me feel a little awkward? Not that I have any sort of interest in him beyond friendship, of course, but it put the image in my head. And the image was more than I ever needed. *Shivers* Creepy.

However, setting my awkwardness aside, I did get a bit turned on by the whole kinkyness of it all. And believe me, I totally rocked Erf's world. It was that hot, nasty, hair-pulling fucking.

On a side note, I would like to apologize for not writing lately. It's been so damned busy at the office and I'm too poor to afford $60 a month for decent internet at my house.

Speaking of being poor (I suck at segues), Erf's interview is today! I'm sending out good juju vibes to him, we both have good feelings about it. I even researched some crap online regarding interview tips and such to give him an edge. Yay me for being a good little wifey. (Ugh, that so conjured up the dress with the pointy boobs and a-line skirt, kitten pumps [no not actual kittens, just kitten heels - because, hello! Shoes made from kittens are SO last season], pearl necklaces, perfectly coiffed hair, red lipstick and black cat-eye eyeliner)

By the way, I love the word coif. It looks and sounds so dirty.

I also found out today that my cat, Midnite, passed away last night. I've had her since 5th grade, and she was about 13 years old. Maybe 14. She was old. She lived with my grandparents, and my grandpa was super close with her. She was his little buddy. So it's been kind of a roller coaster day.

My BFF's boyfriend comes home from the Air Force in one more day, and I'm pretty psyched about that!

Also, can I even tell you how much I LOVED Aaron Carter's dancing song on Monday? They danced to the Muppet Show Theme, and Animal had a drum solo! HOW WICKED AWESOME IS THAT?!

It was pretty wicked, lemme tell ya.

Erf has been annoyed with me the last few nights, because I keep sticking my face into his ribs and blowing air out of my nose so it makes farting noises. It makes me giggle lots, and then it begins our mock-tussling, and then I whip his ass.

I also realized how full of tangents this post is. Whoa look, there's another one! Kthxbai.

Manufacturers; STOP FUCKING UP MY SHIT.

Well, my little darlings, my Labor Day weekend was very uneventful. I rented seasons one and two of Grey’s Anatomy and watched them through in a marathon of sorts. ‘Cause I love me some Grey’s, and in my opinion; the second season was the best anyhow. I caught a few episodes I hadn’t seen before, mostly from the first season. Though, seriously? I loved the Thanksgiving episode. That’s the first time I’d seen it before.

There’s a video rental portal nearby that was having a 50% off sale on pre-viewed movies, so we bought P.S. I Love You, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Live Free Or Die Hard, and Hancock. All for $20. And they’re all in great condition with a lifetime guarantee, so we’re all good. Anyway, if they were all fucked up I’d just go down there and bust some caps in the bitch’s asses, know what I’m sayin’ yo?

Dear lord, I am way too white to get away with that.

We also rented a few flicks this weekend… Of course, Caden is holding on to Meet The Robinsons obstinately, but we did get Coraline on Thursday. That was slightly creepy but still pretty darn good for a kid’s flick. I’d give it a B, but don’t let your kids watch it if they get easily freaked out. If your kid can deal with Nightmare Before Christmas, they can do Coraline.

We rented Changeling and Defiance the last few nights… Apparently we had a ‘true story’ theme going. Both of them were great movies, but Changeling was my favorite. I give that one an A+, one of the best I’ve seen in a long time. Clint Eastwood always does a fantastic job directing. The script was almost essentially taken from the transcripts, so the events and dialogue are all pretty accurate. It’s an incredible story. Defiance was pretty good as well. Is there anyone else who believes that Daniel Craig is a superhero whose power is using his eyes to make you want to fuck him until his penis falls off? Because he has got some of the best bedroom eyes I’ve ever seen. Rawr… Leiv Schreiber was in it as well… And he hasn’t really been fuckable since he played Cotton Weary in Scream 3. I don’t care what you all say, I’ve got a thing for sharp-dressed men; and that cream suit did it for me. You know, until he got butchered. Blood is not an accessory I’m big on.

Anywho, I give Defiance an A-… It was slow in the middle, but the beginning and end were explosively fabulous. If you like WWII stories about the Jews who were able to escape and survive, you’ll like it. Hell, I don’t like WWII stories and I liked it.

I bought Candyland this weekend… Let me just say, I’m pretty irritated that they switched the shit up. Lolly and Frostine got demoted; Lolly is just Lolly and Frostine is a princess. Who fucking ice-skates. And while I’ve got nothing against ice-skates (easy, Tonya Harding) she’s supposed to be unbelievably pretty and just float above her pretty cloud castle. But King Candy is still there. I wonder if he divorced Frostine and disinherited Lolly... Maybe that's why Frostine has her own castle; she got that one in the divorce decree, and Lolly was so upset she ran away to live in the woods. Grandma Nutt is keeping an eye on her, though. Cause Lord Licorice has a bit of a thing for jailbait, and Grandma Nutt can smack his fairy ass up.

Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO. And manufacturers have no business fucking with our childhood memories. The two best examples EVER?

Polly Pocket and Littlest Pet Shop.

Polly Pocket is no longer really feasibly pocket-sized. You couldn’t fit a play set in your pocket like you could fit those little compacts. So a couple of kids swallowed some Pollys. Smack the shits upside the head and tell them not to be so fucking dumb. I don’t know about you, but I never had the urge TO STICK A FUCKING POLLY POCKET IN MY MOUTH AND SWALLOW IT. Whoa, what’s with the caps today? Sorry, my darlings, I’m not yelling at you. Honestly, I think that if a kid wanted to swallow a Polly nowadays they’d be much more likely to choke on it. Because the old ones were small enough to just work their way through the digestive tract. These are large enough to plug up a child’s throat. I mean, WTF? Seriously? Seriously!

Littlest Pet Shop is no longer really little. I still have a play set of theirs, it’s a light-up pond with magnetic flowers and a little detachable kitty house. It came with three kittens and a turtle. And the turtle and two of the kitties had magnets in them so they could move the flowers on the pond. And the pond had a slide for the turtle. The kitties did not have gigantic over sized heads. Because really? What is with all the over-inflated heads on toys these days? LPS, Bratz, those stupid puppies that you can dress up (accessories and doggie purse sold separately)…

I’m feeling a little like Sam Kinison today. I just want to yell about this stupid shit.

What childhood toys of your youth have been destroyed, my darlings?

Movie reviews and orgasmically good boneless beef ribs

I live a few blocks away from a video store called Movie Gallery... Which is, you know, awesome. Because our old (teeny-tiny-no-shower-no-AC-upstairs-in-the-land-that-time-forgot) apartment was a good 10 minute drive (EACH WAY!!!) to the nearest video rental portal. Hubby and I haven't put out the money for cable TV - ever - since we've had our own place. And you know what? I'm pretty okay with that. We just rent and watch movies instead.

When we lived in Fargo, ND -

(yes, get the "Eh there!"s out of your system)(seriously, I'm waiting.)(Shut up, it was actually filmed in Bemidji, MN not Fargo, ND.)(And yes, we Minnesotans really do say, "Doan't youa look cyoot in dem dere boo-ahts!")

- we joined that Blockbuster thing where you paid so much a month, could have so many films out at a time, and could exchange them as often as you wanted. I'm not even fucking kidding you when I tell you that the staff knew us by name.

We loved it. However, when we moved back to this shitty town, the nearest Blockbuster was a 25 minute drive each way. Not long after moving back (within 4 months) we had our bouncing bundle of penis-equipped joy and no jobs. No jobs = no money. Thems were some tough times, and our family helped us out so many times I don't even know why they speak to us anymore.

Oh wait, it's cause I'm awesome and everyone loves me. Duh! :)

Anyhow, there weren't any closer video stores that had a similar plan - UNTIL NOW. Yes, people. For $40 a month (which we spend in two trips to the video rental portal) we can have out three movies or two games and one movie and exchange the disks as often as we like.

*gameshow host voice* But that's not all! */gameshow host voice*

We also get 50% off of Pre-Viewed movies (Which, awesome.) and 10% off of concessions.

Jesus, when did this become a post touting the pros of the Power Play deal? Bah.

Anyhow, I enrolled in said plan on Friday, and since then have rented:

Confessions Of A Shopaholic

I Love You, Man

Fast And Furious

Enchanted

and Rachel Getting Married.

The only one I had seen already was Enchanted.

Confessions of a Shopaholic

I gave it a C-. The cast was fabulous and perhaps I would have liked it more if I had read the book. The plot was so/so.

I Love You, Man

A solid B. It was hilarious - especially the projectile vomit part - but the ending sort of blew.

Rachel Getting Married

An A, for sure. My only complaint was all the stupid (and in my un-humble opinion, unnecessary) crap with the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner toasts. Once Kym (Anne Hathaway) starts talking, the movie picks right up like a crack whore getting her second wind. My heart broke for Kym over and over again, I wanted to love her and make her okay again. And you will need a box of tissues.

Fast And Furious

Okay, so this one starts off with a panty-dropping action sequence. I figuratively creamed my panties. After cleaning up my panties, I'd have to give it a C+. The action sequences alone are worth the watch, but the plot leaves something to be desired.

I think tonight I'm going to get 12 Rounds and perhaps Race To Witch Mountain or something equally fantastical. :)

Saturday night I bought a little over 2 1/2 pounds of boneless beef ribs at WalMart. Usually their produce and meat sections blow like a nickel whore with a pocket full of quarters, but these were pretty damned good. I marinated them overnight in KC Masterpiece's Steakhouse marinade (I'd do steak in that stuff, too) and baked them at 300 degrees from about 11:00 am until we ate around 6:00. I couldn't lift them with the tongs, I had to scoop them out.

The best part? They tasted like tender, flaky beef jerky. So Son ate them without a fuss!

Mommy: 1 Son: 4,509,927.