"Put the fucking lotion in the basket!"

Or also known as, 'A Love Letter To My White Trash Neighbors'.

Dear White Trash Neighbors,

I'm sorry, do you prefer the term Appalachian American?

Anywho, it's your neighbor. Yes, the crazy single girl who does her laundry at 11:00 on Friday nights. You know, the one you always run into because you're smoking in the laundry room in a non-smoking building? Yeah, my kid's lungs really appreciate that, you pricks.

I'm pretty sure that between the scent of the ammonia from your eternally unclean cat litter boxes, the pot I can tell you've been smoking (and really, if someone who has never smoked a j can tell, it's strong) and your apparent lack of personal hygiene that you're probably both mental ward escapees. Congratulations on chewing through your bonds, I hear they're a bitch.

I wanted to write you this letter to tell you how much I appreciated your rendition of Bag Full Of Cats Being Beaten With A Sharp Stick in high C. It really was wonderful. I'm almost speechless at it's beauty. Who wouldn't want to hear a tinkling chorus of, 'FUCK YOU's and 'GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!'s? It's not like nails against a chalkboard, I swear. It's like the giggling of magical mermaids under a rainbow waterfall.

But in all seriousness, at 11:00 at night? Really? I was sitting in my living room, the farthest place in my apartment away from yours, and I could still hear every word you said. I have a five year old. You social rejects, please mainline some Drano. Immediately. Honestly, if I could I would toss your asses in pits in the ground and tell you to put the lotion on your skin or else you'd get the hose again.

Please run back to the mental hospital from whence you escaped. Go enjoy the wonderful drugs they give you. I'm pretty sure you'll get something that will make you go catatonic and forget about how daddy beat you and took away your Christmas money from grandma so he could buy another line of nose candy and forget all about that time the condom broke and all he got was this whiny little bitch of a kid.

Oh, and while you're at it, please surrender your cats to the local shelter. Those poor animals didn't do anything bad enough to deserve living in an environment of that quality. No one should ever abuse pussy like that. And maybe make sure the men in white coats give you a shower. With bleach. And Comet. And a stainless steel scouring pad. And a dose of Penicillin. Maybe two for good measure.

Sincerely,

The really annoyed and pissed off girl with the big rack that you're constantly oogling whenever you see me. Seriously, it makes me want to shower in water hot enough to sterilize medical equipment.

Whew, one big holiday down, one to go!

And thanksgiving this year began much like thanksgiving last year did. With me dropping something.

Thank god it wasn't the apple pie, like it was last year! No, this year, it was a heavy glass candle holder. And I broke the fall with my foot. Sweet Baby Jesus, did that hurt! I still have a curve-shaped bruise from that sucker.

So I suppose I should actually update on what's going on in life lately, as it's pretty much been, date-date-date-food porn lately...

On the dating front: Jason is now in a relationship with another girl. But it's good, they're good for one another. We are still friends, and this is what's important. Travis and I stopped talking, I'm not heartbroken by this. Still haven't heard from the hot waiter. I've got a few guys I've been chatting with that want to take me on dates. So in other words, all is busy and well. :)

On the work front: Things have been going pretty well. Been getting lots of training in other areas of the store. And except for stupid dramz, which we all know I fucking HATE WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND BURNING URETHRA, it's good.

On the family front: My family is excellent as always. A few hits on the head with the crazy stick here and there, but otherwise good. :)

On the me front: Bought myself some Beavis and Butthead pajamas. I am more than pleased with this. It's probably one of the most epic purchases I've made since my pink glitter stilettos. I'm also going to a Christmas-themed drag show this Saturday and debating wearing them to the show. Because really, if glitter-coated pumps aren't appropriate at a drag show, then where, I ask you?

On the Erf front: Proudly, we haven't fought in a few months. We are getting along really well, and I think we really are becoming friends again. It feels good, I hated having to guard everything I said. And this can't be anything but good for Erflet.

On the Erflet front: He's lost his first tooth! He's getting so big, and I'm in total disbelief that he's almost six. Fuck, where does the time go? He's doing great in school, and reveals more and more tendency towards my personality every day. This is both awesome and horrible, as I'm a huge smartass. It's gonna suck until he learns how to control this magical power he has inherited.

So all in all, things are going great. Little bumps and hiccups in the road, but nothing serious. :) I'm so glad, it's such a 180 from what my life was like a year ago. Further proof supporting that sometimes what's bad in the short term can be good in the long term.

Food porn is back, kittens!

I know it's been a shamefully long time since I last posted food porn. Please, hold your produce.

Seriously? Who threw that?

Anywho, you all have my lovely momma to thank for my bringing you this food porn. Because I'm terrible daughter and I'm about three holidays in baking debt, she demanded nothing short of excellence for her birthday this year. I could tell there was no fucking way I was getting off the hook...

She asked me for entremet. Not that particular one, but it's basically a multi-layered dessert with contrasting flavors and textures. My only response to her was, 'why do you hate me?'

She replied with some blah blah blah about challenging my skills and demanding excellence and I wasn't really listening.

So I look up recipes for entremet. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, all these damn recipes are in metric form. I'm too lazy to convert them. Eff that ess. I'll do what I do well. I'll make something up.

Her primary request was that it be chocolate. Easy enough. Without further ado, here is my version of entremet (I apologize to your bandwidth):

I decided my stable layers would consist of Ghirardelli devil's food cake. Four layers, to be precise.

Oh yes, bitches. I went there. I made an ICE CREAM ENTREMET. My mom loves coffee, so I figured this should have an interesting texture, and you can't go wrong with Ben and Jerry!

One layer of devil's food cake sprinkled with coffee, then Coffee Heath Bar Crunch ice cream. It looks fabulous already!

For my middle filling layer, I chose to go with chocolate mousse. Something light to contrast the heaviness of the ice cream. Forgot to take a photo of the spread layer though. I fail.

What contrasts coffee? Peanut fucking butter, kittens! And I thought the pretzel would be pretty cool to add some extra crunch.

Yes, this was as time consuming as it looks. But pretty, so worth it. :)

I used a springform pan to hold it together while it set in the freezer. I used one that was too big. Oops. Whatever, it worked.

It's the leaning tower of Cheeza! (Bad Goofy Movie reference)

Was I done? Oh, no, kittens. I wasn't done. My mom loves dark chocolate, so I made Ghirardelli 60% bittersweet chocolate ganache to cover the whole thing! It ended up being too bitter with the devils food cake, so next time I'll use milk. Still, MOAR CHOKLIT!

So pretty and shiny...

Very impressive looking, no?

My dad's verdict: "It's like 1,000 pornographic orgasms". My mom loved it.

I'm fucking screwed for her birthday next year...

I'm creating a new tag...

Dating is decidedly becoming less and less of the bullshit variety with every date I've gone on lately.

I went on a second date with Travis, and I have to rant and rave about his mad skills... In the kitchen.

Seriously, trying to figure out something to do in this godforsaken town on a Sunday night besides the tired old 'dinner and a movie' schtick is damn difficult. So he invited me over to his place for dinner and said he would cook for me.

I will never say no to food, kittens. Then, he one-upped himself. He told me what he was planning on making.

Bacon (!!!) and goat cheese stuffed chicken with homemade mushroom risotto. Bacon, cheese and risotto? Dear sweet baby Jesus, I was drooling like mad. It was on like Donkey Kong, bitches. So we made plans for Sunday evening. I told him I would make him dessert, and finally decided on Oreo Butterscotch cheesecake.

This is already shaping up to be an amazing evening, no? Then I offered to bring the movie I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell as Travis hadn't yet seen it... With vernacular gems such as, "If you ever speak ill of the pancakewich again, I will force feed you one while I fuck you in the ass using the wrapper as a condom, and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nugget explodes!" and "I'd rather fellate a hot curling iron than drive 250 miles because Tucker breast-fed until he was nine." What's not to love?!

I show up at 6 with cheesecake in tow. He wrapped his arm around me, put his hand on the small of my back (which is seriously a huge thing for me, I love it) and kissed me hello. Boy, it was warm in his house...

Then I got to watch him cook. He's pretty damn adept in the kitchen. Everything smelled absolutely amazing, and most everything was done or well on it's way to done by the time I arrived. I offered to help, was there anything he needed me to do? Oh, grill the asparagus?

I meant is there anything I KNOW how to do? No? Alright then. I'll stand here and watch. :)

Dinner consisted of bacon and goat cheese stuffed chicken, mushroom risotto and fresh grilled asparagus with lemon butter sauce. It. Was. Fucking. Amazing. He is such an excellent cook. We brought our plates into the living room and ate dinner. After we finished eating, we cuddled on the couch and just relaxed. (Yeah, yeah, get the, 'awwww' out of your system)

After Tucker Max was done, I sliced and diced the cheesecake, drizzled the slices liberally with butterscotch, and Travis made fun of my springform pan. It was fancy, or so he said. He seemed to be thoroughly impressed with my baking skills. He accused me of buying the cheesecake and trying to pass it off as my own. Um, no... Totally all me. I rock in the pastry department.

Then we watched Talladega Nights and cuddled some more. All in all, a very fabulous, relaxing evening.

My son is also apparently well on his way to becoming a nudist. Seriously, we're in the door less than ten minutes and his monkey ass is stripped down to his underwear. What is it with children parading around nearly nude?

My tummy loves Blackwater.

I had a date last night. Yeah, that's been happening a lot lately. Dating is bullshit, but it also is not. Seeing as I've only had one bad date, I'm kind of digging this whole dating thing.

Last night was my first date with Travis, the guy I blogged about texting with the other day. Seeing as how our text message conversations have been riveting and full of hilarity, I was very damn excited to meet him in person. He has a thing for old-fashioned military pinup girls, so I decided to go with something to accentuate the hourglass figure. :) I wore a fitted black pinstripe pencil skirt that hugs my curves, a green button up shirt, a black lace camisole, black pantyhose and black peeptoe pumps.

Yeah, he's 5'9". I'm so cruel.

We agreed to meet at one of my favorite bars, the one where I used the best pickup line ever. I ended up getting there a little early, luckily, because so did he. He looked adorable in jeans and a button up shirt, and was far cuter than his profile pictures. We picked a table and sat down. There were some fun awkward silences... He was a little quiet, but he found me to be entertaining. Which, hi? Awesome.

There was definitely an attraction in the air... Even though we both joked about how we were incredibly ugly and stupid, lol. The conversation flowed better as the night progressed, and the sexual innuendo was rampant. It was really fun, I was actually disappointed it had to end.

He walked me outside, and cracked a joke about how he needed a stepladder... And then he kissed me. And it was lovely and wonderful. He's a good kisser.

We talked for a while again last night and today. We've got plans to see each other again, just trying to figure out what we're going to end up doing. :) And I'm very pleased with this plan.

Chalk one more in the 'decidedly NOT bullshit' column for the dating tally.

Breathe... Just breathe.

Breathe really is a funny looking word, isn't it? It seems like there shouldn't be an 'e' on the end of it.

I really have the urge to write something. I'm not sure exactly what that is yet, but keep hanging with me and I'm sure I'll spark something witty and hilarious. And if not, you're welcome. This will be a few minutes of your life you'll never get back.

Yesterday was an interesting day... Hung out with Erf and Erflet, had our family time. As we were walking around Target, I got some texts from Jason. The long and short of the story is that I ended up urging him to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, that stung a little. Mostly the lost potential. But I am trying to keep reminding myself that things work out the way they're supposed to, and if Jason and I are meant to have a relationship things will work their way toward that eventually. And if he's meant to be with his ex, then I did the right thing.

Still hurts. Oh well. Feelings are bullshit anyways. As long as he's happy, and we can still be friends. Because really, he's far too awesome to let go of as a friend. I need someone to finish watching Firefly with. :) I've already made good progression toward talking my girl brain down from her crazyness. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be back to normal for the most part. And of course I'll behave myself, because I don't pee in another girl's litterbox.

Both literally and figuratively.

Today is Halloween and I'm pretty damn pleased to say that I am crafting a pretty fun costume this year. I found a homemade blue dress at Savers for $7, made iridescent sequined shoes, and I'm going as an Ice Queen. I'm pretty excited, because ice means covering myself in sparkly stuff. And I love me some sparkly stuff! :)

Oh my dear lord...

This was just too funny not to make into a blog post. Here is a conversation I had this afternoon with a guy I met on OkCupid (texts are typed verbatim):

Me: Perhaps. I don't kiss and tell. :)

Guy: LOL but do you swallow :p

Me: It is the difference between like and love... ;)

Guy: Really that's how you let a guy know you love him lol

Me: No, otherwise I would be in love a lot...

Guy: LMAO your such a smartass

Me: Usually... Few can keep up with me in a battle of wits.

Guy: Good thing I fight with sarcasm

Me: I sense a challenge. Don't think I won't kick your geriatric ass, old man.

Guy: You must have me confused with your other men

Me: Probably. You're all so interchangable.

Guy: Just like women

Me: Playing the 'lump the gender into a stereotype' game, huh? lol

Guy: LOL one hole is the same as another ;)

Me: Very nice, that was pretty good. But the fetus cannon doesn't talk.

Guy: Neither should the cum dumpster

Me: Agreed. Women spew forth such worthless drivel.

Guy: You are hilarious

Me: Thank you, I agree. :) You're doing a decent job keeping up with me.

Guy: I think we will get along just fine

Me: I think so, too. Thus far you've kept my interest.

Guy: I have a penis I'm sure it's not difficult

Me: That was brilliant.

Me: But is it enough to keep my attention beyond giggling?

Guy: It's not porn star quality but it gets the job done as long as your not as big as the grand

canon (I think he meant canyon, lol)

Me: It's like fuckin a bucket, just so you know...

Guy: So I can stick my head in and wiggle my ears

Me: Sweet, my own personal gspot tickler.

Guy: LOL

Me: Hot dog down a hallway? Wrench in a closet?...

Guy: Hear an echo

Me: Hell yes. It comes with it's own spiderwebs...

Guy: Now I know thats bullshit cause it gets WAY too much action to build cobwebs

Me: You're assuming the guys are large enough to hit the bottom.

Guy: I'm sure you have a midget to clean it out

Me: OMG, no. That's a great idea. It's hard to get my hand up that far.

Guy: Gues I'm gonna just have to stick to using your ass

Me: Let's just say I could shit a Lincoln and not feel a thing.

Guy: Damn your just all stretched to hell

Me: Yep. You picked the used car of whores...

Guy: Well I hope your bj's are amazing cause you're going to be doing them a lot then

Me: They're best when I take my teeth out...

Guy: Awesome never had a gum job

Me: Sweet. I love gumming a hairy nutsack.

Guy: Too bad I shave my balls

Me: Less hair to cough up later.

And checkmate.

I really do turn a lovely shade of merlot when I'm embarassed...

Today I went out for lunch with my mom and a few of her co-workers... We went to Applebees. Because, duh, 2 for $20? Of course!

I gorged myself on boneless wings and ate 1/4 of my salad, but whatever.

We had a really cute server. Really cute. Of course everyone at the table comments on it, and I agreed...

I smiled, held my glances a few times, being generally flirtatious, but trying not to be overly so. He brought us some plates for our appetizers and asked if we needed anything, and I said something along the lines of no thank you, but I didn't look at him. My mom comments on how flirty I was.

Um, huh? Wha? I didn't even LOOK at him! Apparently the flirt was in my voice. Huh.

So then he commented on her nails, and I kind of struck a conversation about how I designed them and he was smiling and flirting, and I was smiling and flirting back.

After he walks away from the table and we THOUGHT he was out of earshot, my mom and I turn to each other and say, "Now THAT was flirting!"

He walks back and says, "Yes, it was!"

I turned such a lovely shade of deep red at that point. It was still nice to have our suspicions confirmed. :) Luckily he was really cool about it and it didn't really get awkward, but I just had to write a blog post about it. It was too funny.

Yes, I left him the link... Clever, no?

Alright, back to Castle to distract myself from my piece of shit phone being a total douche canoe and not working. AGAIN. Less than two months until I'm eligible for upgrade... Less than two months until the archaic motherfucker gets it's ass traded in for credit...

I will have a replacement coming in, but it doesn't get in until Wednesday. Until then, I can only make phone calls. FML. *sigh* Oh, well.

It's all about the Yamslam.

I'm sitting here with a huge grin on my face.

OkCupid, you have redeemed yourself. Seriously. I'm happy to know that not all the guys on there are creepers. Matter of fact, I met one who has thus far been pretty damn awesome. (Referencing a previous post, he's the one who is slightly older, witty and smart)

Messaging was slow at first, but excellent conversation nonetheless. Then we began exchanging texts, and the conversations got exponentially more fantastic. It takes a lot to stimulate me on both an intellectual and humorous level, and this guy hits both of those in just the right way. We start talking on the phone. Like teenagers. It has been refreshing, fun and exciting. Topics range all over the map, and he gets serious bonus points for being a Nathan Fillion fan.

The best part of all of this? It hasn't felt awkward at all. The only phrase I can come up with to encompass the way it's felt is that everything has just flowed naturally. When you can talk to a stranger for 2 1/2 hours four nights in a row, you click.

The conversation of course progressed to the discussion of meeting in person. He stalked me and found my blog (Hi, Jason!), and was even sweet enough to give me his personal info so I could quell any worries by Googling him. He was worried that I would censor myself when writing about our date... Oh kittens, you know me well enough to know that isn't the case.

Fortunately the thought of censoring myself never needed to flit it's squicky fingers against my mind, because there is absolutely nothing I would not be willing to say to him about our date. We ended up sort of combining both of my other first dates into our date today, and blew them both right the fuck out of the water with our combined awesomeness. We met for coffee and breakfast, and that was relaxed and fun. Lots of silences staring into each other's eyes and smiling. Yeah, go get your barf buckets kittens; I'm waxing poetic and feeling the uterus taking firm control. Shut UP.

I'll rein the bitch in, but for tonight I'm enjoying it. Just go with it.

We walked around Canal Park and browsed the local shops, particularly the antique shops (which, hi? Sparkly old fashioned jewelry?)... Jason found the gasps of happiness I frequently made when seeing sparkly things very entertaining. I'm a girl, it's sparkly. And sparkly is one of my favorite colors. We did see the bottom half of a mannequin hanging from the ceiling by chains in one shop at the Dewitt-Seitz Marketplace (sort of a mini mall with local businesses), and he took a photo of it. Awesome.

We held hands. We browsed art galleries. We were followed everywhere by photos and paintings of scary and homicidal-looking clowns. Like Pennywise, eat-your-motherfucking-brain-scary clowns. It was damn funny. Lots of paused glances where we would look into each other's eyes and both totally chicken out about kissing each other.

We went to lunch and had some of the most delicious pizza I've ever had... Margherita base pizza with mozzarella, goat cheese, prosciutto and arugula. See also, eating arugula without pizza is not the best idea I've ever had. That shit burns. I felt like I had the vagina of a woman of ill repute replacing my mouth. The restaurant plays some of my favorite music, and pretty much every song that came on was a song I love. Baby It's Cold Outside, La Vie En Rose, Sway... I so wanted to get up and dance. La Vie En Rose makes you want to have someone's arms wrapped around you, moving to the rhythm of the music...

Luckily neither one of us minded the garlic breath from the pizza. :)

Yes, to answer your question, we are going to get together again. Yes, my insides feel like I have the thoughts of a giggly little 15 year old girl replacing my own. Yes, I'm squealing internally at the thought of spending more time with him. Yes, I'm aware that I am a huge pink beaver. No, I'm not ashamed of it.

This date? It was decidedly NOT bullshit.

Holy mother of crack, guys are squicky.

Seriously though!

So as many of you probably already know, I've joined OkCupid to try and score some dates and meet new people. Of course, you'll always run into creepers.

My first creeper was actually before coffee date guy, a guy who messaged me simply asking, "Do you ever let that heel dangle off the end of your foot?"

Um, I'm really not into foot fetishes you weirdo. I'm sure there are women out there willing to flog your log with their feet, but I'm not one of them. Nor will I take a dump on your toes.

Then there was coffee date guy. Nuff said.

There was a guy who did nothing but respond to everything I said with some comment about how cute or hot he thought I was. Then it progressed to him telling me he thought I looked 'toned' (see also: WTF?) and that he thought I could probably lift him. And would I lift him cradle or piggyback? He didn't think I could sling him over my shoulder. But he was nice enough to say he hoped that I wouldn't fall carrying him. Then he told me he wouldn't mind kissing me.

Flirting: you're doing it so wrong.

Then came the mother of all creepers... The married guy looking for a mistress.

It started off with the typical innocent, 'what are you up to tonight?'

It progressed into him telling me he was looking for some adult fun and that he can't send me pics (his profile was ass blank, which was my first red flag) because he's on the 'downlow'.

Downlow? Really? Is this a fucking drug deal, you retard?

Second red flag. This is looking like a bull fight.

Eventually I ask him why, if he's banking $100k (also: yeah fucking right!), is he on here. He could easily be getting girls pretty much anywhere.

He's married and unsatisfied in bed. Looking for a fuck buddy and some occasional conversation. Yeah, even I can't keep up the prodding at this point. I was done.

Honestly, this is when, 'does this smell like chloroform to you?' isn't just a cute and quirky pickup line. It's for real. That's the sort of shit that gets you stuffed in a trunk then eventually tied up in a torture chamber.

And not the good kind.

Also, I'm not the kind of girl who is willing to be a knowing party to a cheater. I can't bear the guilt of knowing I'm causing someone I don't know pain. There's just no call for that. If you're that unsatisfied, you should work it out with your wife.

Besides, if I'm going to have casual sex with a rich guy, I want it to be a single one so I don't have to worry about pretending to be a telemarketer if I call him and his wife answers the phone.