Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Manufacturers; STOP FUCKING UP MY SHIT.

Well, my little darlings, my Labor Day weekend was very uneventful. I rented seasons one and two of Grey’s Anatomy and watched them through in a marathon of sorts. ‘Cause I love me some Grey’s, and in my opinion; the second season was the best anyhow. I caught a few episodes I hadn’t seen before, mostly from the first season. Though, seriously? I loved the Thanksgiving episode. That’s the first time I’d seen it before.

There’s a video rental portal nearby that was having a 50% off sale on pre-viewed movies, so we bought P.S. I Love You, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Live Free Or Die Hard, and Hancock. All for $20. And they’re all in great condition with a lifetime guarantee, so we’re all good. Anyway, if they were all fucked up I’d just go down there and bust some caps in the bitch’s asses, know what I’m sayin’ yo?

Dear lord, I am way too white to get away with that.

We also rented a few flicks this weekend… Of course, Caden is holding on to Meet The Robinsons obstinately, but we did get Coraline on Thursday. That was slightly creepy but still pretty darn good for a kid’s flick. I’d give it a B, but don’t let your kids watch it if they get easily freaked out. If your kid can deal with Nightmare Before Christmas, they can do Coraline.

We rented Changeling and Defiance the last few nights… Apparently we had a ‘true story’ theme going. Both of them were great movies, but Changeling was my favorite. I give that one an A+, one of the best I’ve seen in a long time. Clint Eastwood always does a fantastic job directing. The script was almost essentially taken from the transcripts, so the events and dialogue are all pretty accurate. It’s an incredible story. Defiance was pretty good as well. Is there anyone else who believes that Daniel Craig is a superhero whose power is using his eyes to make you want to fuck him until his penis falls off? Because he has got some of the best bedroom eyes I’ve ever seen. RawrLeiv Schreiber was in it as well… And he hasn’t really been fuckable since he played Cotton Weary in Scream 3. I don’t care what you all say, I’ve got a thing for sharp-dressed men; and that cream suit did it for me. You know, until he got butchered. Blood is not an accessory I’m big on.

Anywho, I give Defiance an A-… It was slow in the middle, but the beginning and end were explosively fabulous. If you like WWII stories about the Jews who were able to escape and survive, you’ll like it. Hell, I don’t like WWII stories and I liked it.

I bought Candyland this weekend… Let me just say, I’m pretty irritated that they switched the shit up. Lolly and Frostine got demoted; Lolly is just Lolly and Frostine is a princess. Who fucking ice-skates. And while I’ve got nothing against ice-skates (easy, Tonya Harding) she’s supposed to be unbelievably pretty and just float above her pretty cloud castle. But King Candy is still there. I wonder if he divorced Frostine and disinherited Lolly... Maybe that's why Frostine has her own castle; she got that one in the divorce decree, and Lolly was so upset she ran away to live in the woods. Grandma Nutt is keeping an eye on her, though. Cause Lord Licorice has a bit of a thing for jailbait, and Grandma Nutt can smack his fairy ass up.

Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO. And manufacturers have no business fucking with our childhood memories. The two best examples EVER?

Polly Pocket and Littlest Pet Shop.

Polly Pocket is no longer really feasibly pocket-sized. You couldn’t fit a play set in your pocket like you could fit those little compacts. So a couple of kids swallowed some Pollys. Smack the shits upside the head and tell them not to be so fucking dumb. I don’t know about you, but I never had the urge TO STICK A FUCKING POLLY POCKET IN MY MOUTH AND SWALLOW IT. Whoa, what’s with the caps today? Sorry, my darlings, I’m not yelling at you. Honestly, I think that if a kid wanted to swallow a Polly nowadays they’d be much more likely to choke on it. Because the old ones were small enough to just work their way through the digestive tract. These are large enough to plug up a child’s throat. I mean, WTF? Seriously? Seriously!

Littlest Pet Shop is no longer really little. I still have a play set of theirs, it’s a light-up pond with magnetic flowers and a little detachable kitty house. It came with three kittens and a turtle. And the turtle and two of the kitties had magnets in them so they could move the flowers on the pond. And the pond had a slide for the turtle. The kitties did not have gigantic over sized heads. Because really? What is with all the over-inflated heads on toys these days? LPS, Bratz, those stupid puppies that you can dress up (accessories and doggie purse sold separately)…

I’m feeling a little like Sam Kinison today. I just want to yell about this stupid shit.

What childhood toys of your youth have been destroyed, my darlings?

2 dished:

baseballmom said...

WHAT? Princess Frostine? That is just not right...Queen Frostine RULED! Maybe the others were jealous.

Sassy Pie said...

I know, right? I was pretty miffed, let me tell you. I so wanted to be Queen Frostine when I was little. She was all pretty in her poufy dress with her sparkles and shiny-ness... And she FLOATED! None of that pansy-ass ice-skating shit.

I maintain that she divorced King Candy, thus losing her Queen title. But she was a princess before she married him, so she reverted to her maiden status. :)