Monday, September 28, 2009

Is this a sexual thing? Does this *look* sexual to you?

Fucking right I'm sexual. You know you all want me. At least I know that Aunt Becky and Beautiful Mess do. I think Mrs. Soup does as well.

My sexual desire is something that used to be nearly constant... When Erf and I first began, um... Copulating... I wanted it all. the. freaking. time. Most guys dream of a woman who just wants to have lots and lots of sex, right? I didn't even demand that he make sure that I finished, mostly because we were still working out all the kinks of how to get me there and hadn't succeeded yet. And before you get all Judgy McJudgerson, know this; Erf is the only man I've ever had sex with.

You know, because I don't count Dirk the 7-Feature Handheld Showerhead. There was no penetration, I SWEAR!

*Cough* Um... No, really. My vagina isn't big enough and can you say yeast infection? Yeah.

So yeah. Erf is not just any guy. He began to worry that I just wanted him for sex. Cue the Awww... Yes, he even asked me for LESS sex because he wanted to make sure our love was real, and not just all full of The Lust. Cue June of 2005; when we found out that we were expecting an adorable, vomit and crap-filled crotch monkey. I had nasty morning sickness, and I am not a person who handles vomit well. Especially my own. I vomit with a force. The Dark Side wishes it were my vomit. I vomit out my nose, my back and stomach muscles are sore for a day or so, and oh; I can usually feel my eyes bulge out when I spew. Charming.

Erf was still attracted to me, in all my vomitty pregger-ness. I, however, would have happily given up The Penis for quite some time. Lots of mercy-fucking, lemme tell ya. My sex drive took a serious dip. I hated it, but that was around the time that Erf and I started going through a serious Rough Patch. We were 4 1/2 hours away from our families with an unexpected pregnancy and on the verge of getting evicted from our apartment because our jobs sucked. Oh, and this was just a year after his mom died and about 6 months after I had another failed attempt to reconcile with my birth mother - which was the only reason we really moved there in the first place.

I have just now begun to get my sex drive back. I have no idea if it was the pregnancy, stress, birth control (I switched to the copper IUD in February of last year), or what. But, thank the Lord, I actually WANT sex again.

Speaking of sex, I love being dominated (yeap, more than you wanted to know) and I'd heard that Secretary is a good dominance flick. Very kinky, people said.

I got the movie. I understood it. But I work for a lawyer who is self-employed. I'm his receptionist. He is older than my father. Anyone else see where this movie made me feel a little awkward? Not that I have any sort of interest in him beyond friendship, of course, but it put the image in my head. And the image was more than I ever needed. *Shivers* Creepy.

However, setting my awkwardness aside, I did get a bit turned on by the whole kinkyness of it all. And believe me, I totally rocked Erf's world. It was that hot, nasty, hair-pulling fucking.

On a side note, I would like to apologize for not writing lately. It's been so damned busy at the office and I'm too poor to afford $60 a month for decent internet at my house.

Speaking of being poor (I suck at segues), Erf's interview is today! I'm sending out good juju vibes to him, we both have good feelings about it. I even researched some crap online regarding interview tips and such to give him an edge. Yay me for being a good little wifey. (Ugh, that so conjured up the dress with the pointy boobs and a-line skirt, kitten pumps [no not actual kittens, just kitten heels - because, hello! Shoes made from kittens are SO last season], pearl necklaces, perfectly coiffed hair, red lipstick and black cat-eye eyeliner)

By the way, I love the word coif. It looks and sounds so dirty.

I also found out today that my cat, Midnite, passed away last night. I've had her since 5th grade, and she was about 13 years old. Maybe 14. She was old. She lived with my grandparents, and my grandpa was super close with her. She was his little buddy. So it's been kind of a roller coaster day.

My BFF's boyfriend comes home from the Air Force in one more day, and I'm pretty psyched about that!

Also, can I even tell you how much I LOVED Aaron Carter's dancing song on Monday? They danced to the Muppet Show Theme, and Animal had a drum solo! HOW WICKED AWESOME IS THAT?!

It was pretty wicked, lemme tell ya.

Erf has been annoyed with me the last few nights, because I keep sticking my face into his ribs and blowing air out of my nose so it makes farting noises. It makes me giggle lots, and then it begins our mock-tussling, and then I whip his ass.

I also realized how full of tangents this post is. Whoa look, there's another one! Kthxbai.

6 dished:

Amy said...

Ok, can I just tell you how much I heart your lack of segues!!!

It's freaking hilarious how you jump from one thing to another and it keeps me interested and on my toes!

BTW, I had a HUGE lack of sex drive for my pregnancy and I was never nausiated or puking. So, maybe it's just a preggers thing?

Sassy Pie said...

Good, I'm glad you enjoy my tangents. Honestly, I talk like that in real life, too.

Oh look, a kitty!

I know some women lose their drive, some women get an increased drive, and some remain the same. Poor Erf went without regular sex for almost four years... He thought I didn't find him attractive (which, he's totally got that professional preppy look I love, so totally not true), and I felt bad. Which made me want less sex. Vicious fucking cycles. :)

Mrs Soup said...

Heck yeah I find you sexy. I totally want you. You, Aunt Becky and I totally need to menage. And that word doesn't look right at all without the little ' thingy. Poo.

But yes, my sex drive was crap for a good 3.5 years of our marriage. Until I went off BC to try and get pregnant. Then, woooo sexs! Once I got pregnant, I was too busy vomiting the entire time to want anything but a toilet and something to stay in my stomach.

Now though? When I don't have a yeast infection (stupid bitches follow me all the time) I'm all for it. I think it's the IUD. There is little enough hormones in it that it makes my body happy.

Oh, and at least you get good internet at home. Stupid country living. ;)

Sassy Pie said...

I know you find me sexy. You know I want you. I need you, oh baby, oh baby. ;)

See, I was fine on birth control until I quit taking it and got preggers. Then it was like the sex snapped off like a light. I tried eliminating my Yasmin to see if that would help (I have a copper IUD, yay for non-hormonal BC!) and I don't know if it made a real difference, but I'm not gonna fuck with the balance now! Or maybe it was Erf's joking threat that he wasn't going to try for another baby until I showed him that I wanted sex just to have sex, not just for getting knocked up. :) Haha.

I'd deal with crappy internet if it were cheap. But we don't have a landline, so even crappy internet is a no-go. And there are really only 2 decent carriers in the area. Maybe 3. And they're all at least $50-60/mo. Ree-dik-u-lus.

Aunt Becky said...

Holy shit!!! There's a rabbit with a monocle!

Sassy Pie said...

Are you making fun of my tangents, Aunt Becky?

Wow, the lake is really choppy today...