Monday, October 12, 2009

Watching Evil Dead pre-bedtime was not the best idea I've ever had...

So, if you've never seen Evil Dead, it's this cheesy 80's horror flick about this group of 5 teenagers/young adults who rent a run-down cabin in the middle of nowhere. What could go wrong with that? I mean, come on. The bridge you crossed only lost a shitload of boards, but hey, who needs to drive our retro-mobile back over to the other side of the bridge? We have a cabin to ourselves!

So, tellingly, they find a mysterious book with Satanic-esque drawings and a tape recorder. But, it's one of those giant ones with two big wheels - like you'd see in a recording studio. They haul it up out of the basement and begin listening to the tape. It's this guy talking about flesh-possessing demons who lay dormant but never truly die. And then, like the fucktard he is, he records the incantation that resurrects these havoc-loving, cataract-sporting, never-gonna-die buggers. The kids, being douchebags, listen to the incantation. Demons are resurrected and begin possessing said Douche Bags. Gore ensues.

My mind and my brain were watching this movie in separate modes, apparently. My mind was slowly turning into a giant cooch, and was becoming more and more afraid of said demons. My brain was slapping my mind upside the head going, "You giant cooch, this movie is so fucking stupid and it's not even scary."

Cause really, it was cheesy 80's horror. It wasn't scary. But I'll be damned if my mind wasn't as convinced as I was.

Being the brain-iac that I am, I decide watching outtakes is a fabulous idea. Something funny to take my Giant Cooch mind off the Super Scary. Nope, just gives my Giant Cooch mind a yeast infection.

Because now, my darlings, I am pretty terrified. And I know it's irrational. I know that there's nothing out there, waiting to possess my flesh and spew green creamed corn at me. (Cause I looked up the trivia on IMDb - the guts were made out of green-dyed cream corn) But I've always had this irrational phobia. I don't like walking down pitch-black hallways, not knowing what lies ahead. I don't swim in lakes - EVER - unless I can see what's underneath me. Because, my pets, I will break out into the shakes. No lie. I'll pee the lake, and I'll freak the fuck out.

Don't look at me like that. Find me someone who HASN'T peed in a lake and I'll give you a liar.

So, because Erf is taking a shower, I have to make the bed. I'm not even lying when I tell you that I was bent over at the waist, trying to keep my feet as far away from the under-bed as possible. I walked over to my side of the bed, broke out in the shakes, and jumped up onto the bed. Shaking.

Yes, I am a huge, huge pussy.

The tale does not end there. Erf was having a grand old time laughing at me. Because he and my brain? Totally on the same wavelength. "It was just a movie, it wasn't even scary."

Except the Giant Cooch had me incapacitated. Evil mind. It was fucking with me.

I'm laying in bed, eyes darting about, with the light on. I'm 24 years old with a 3 1/2 year old son, and I'm scared to turn off the light. I am ashamed, even as I type this. Erf suggestively says, "Hey, I've got a boner. Why don't you come over here and I'll distract you?"

I'm irrationally terrified, and you think bumping uglies is the solution? I know someone who can help you. Her name is Rosy Palms. Distract that.

I turn out the light (because I have to pretend I'm not a giant quivering quim) and try falling asleep. Giant Cooch just laughs at me.

I hallucinate my dreams. I'm awake enough to be aware of my surroundings, but I see things that aren't there until I fully wake up. I once woke Erf up because I was convinced there was a box on the wall of our old apartment that was spewing out spiders. He was not happy. I'm weird.

So, of course, every half hour or so last night I would wake up to see the un-dead ready to possess my flesh. Lots of fun. I'm so motherfucking sleepy. Today, I'm fine. I could watch that film and laugh at it. Kind of like Ghost Ship - I had a similar experience with that flick, except I wasn't afraid of it until I had a halluci-dream that my family members were all in my room, dead and decayed, trying to murder me to harvest my soul.

I'm so fucked up. If you want to pretend you no longer know me, I'll understand...

4 dished:

T. O. E. said...

This post made my day from the laughing, and only 73% of that was from your use of "quim". ~giggle~

Sassy Pie said...

Haha, thanks! I had fun laughing at myself while I wrote it.

Because, seriously? Quivering quim has a lovely ring to it. :)

Aunt Becky said...

Evil Dead rules. That movie is AWESOME.

Sassy Pie said...

For cheesy 80's horror, it was pretty wicked. I especially thought the tree-rape was a nice touch. Oh, and the square around the moon, haha.

The chick had nice tits, though.