"Do you know what these are?" "...Presidential flashcards?"

I am just sitting around and waiting for the Xerox guy to finish fixing our copier. This is going to end up being expensive, but what choice do we have? Law offices need copiers, for crying out loud.

Also, I have an urgent NEED to watch That Thing You Do!, because it. is. awesome.

"Tell me, who really popped your cherry?" "Cap'n Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters."

I was perusing my Livejournal today, (Yes, mine is still active. Shut up.) and found some rather interesting entries about my career with LifeTouch Church Directories.

Ashley + Church folk = sometimes amusing stories.

For your enjoyment!

Mike was the photographer I was paired up with.

"Today is one of those days. I need chocolate, alcohol, and some fuckin' sweet sex. Mike was planning on getting drunk after the shitty day we've had. I swear to God... I asked him if he'd buy some for me, then he pointed to the Sherriff sitting behind us. We went to Country Kitchen for.. Would it be dinner, or breakfast? I'm not sure. Food. Good enough.

I need to get drunk and forget about everything and everyone for a while. But it won't help. I know it won't help. I want my grandma. *cries*

Here's everything in a nutshell. Or something bigger than a nutshell. Whatever.

Cohasset people are rude assholes. They're condescending and just plain rude. I left Orbitz to try and get away from that bullshit. They're not buying anything. They won't even let me offer anything. "No. No. No. I want my free 8X10 and directory because I'm an oozing green donkey dick who licks sweaty headcheese." Fucks. Someone beat the living fuck out of these colostomy bags before I do.

NORTH DAKOTA FUCKING SUCKS. And so does Cohasset and Grand Rapids. If Mike and I had our way, we would NOT be coming back next week. For one fucking day. Check out our schedule for next week:

Tuesday: Cohasset
Wednesday and Thursday: Little Fork
Friday and Saturday: International Falls.

Bullshit. So we get up early Tuesday, drive to be here by noon (it's a 3 1/2-4 hour drive) set up, do the 10 fucking waste-of-time sits, break everything down (now making this about a 12 hour day) and then either stay the night and drive to Little Fork (up by I. Falls) Wednesday morning (again, 3-4 hour drive) or drive it overnight after the bullshit 12 hour day. Then set up in Little Fork around noon and stay for TWO days; both of which will be 12-hour days, then set up and break down for two days in I. Falls. A week of 12-hour days. At least Little Fork is only 20 minutes away from I. Falls. But that SUCKS! Gah.

I want some Baileys and chocolate. Fucking me being fucking 20 so I can't fucking go to a fucking liquor store and buy some fucking alcohol. And I wanna fuck. Fuck!"

"There was this nice couple that I was helping. They really looked as if they were super rich, and they probably were. The guy looked like an old Ted Danson. I wondered if they get frequent nosebleeds. You know, from the altitude? :) They were being really nice though, so it wasn't a big deal. After I quoted them our three-drop pricing (I quote them the prices of our different finishes and everything they're getting for that price), the guy says, in a really snide voice, "Is there anything else you'd like to add?" I just stared at him, dumbfounded. I couldn't figure out what he meant, but he had this really nasty look on his face, so I let out a nervous laugh and said, "What, you mean like a portrait for myself? Hehe." And he just stared at me. Then he got this look of dismissal on his face and said, "Oh, forget it. You're doing a great job, very patient. Go on." And then proceeded to ignore me the rest of the time they were there. WTF?

And apparently there was this one older lady with a walker who, after sitting in a chair for her portraits, ripped some serious ass while she was being helped up. And then ripped it all the way out the door. I laughed my ass off. Not while she was there, of course. But afterward. I knew she smelled like poo..."

"So yeah, Mike told me a few days ago that I should watch Family Guy. Well, I was up one night while it was on and watched it. Brian and Stewie had their hand and paw glued together, got a solvent that took an hour to work, and decided to take a walk while they waited. So they're walking along and they pass a well that a girl has fallen into. Stewie says, "Oh, I suppose you want me to rescue her, don't you?" Brian pretty much says yes. Then Stewie peeks his head over the edge and says, "It puts the lotion on it's skin and does as it's told." I laughed my ass off.

This had to have been one of the longest weeks I have ever worked.

Tuesday: Drive 3 hours to Cohasset, do a bit of setting up, work a full day, break down the set and then drive 2 hours to International Falls.

Wednesday: Set up in Little Fork. Printer breaks down, thus causing me to get backed up by about 2 hours. Finally get done there around 11. Drive 1/2 hour to International Falls.

Thursday: Another hectic day, printer is still broken and the tech fucks aren't sending us a new one till Friday. Got a message from Evan that his dad had a heart attack unloading up in I. Falls. Told him to call me with ANY updates. Didn't hear from him all night long. Called him when I finally got done and ended up getting in a fight. Mike pretty much told me I was being a bitch about it and to cool off. So I did. Turns out his dad just had a really horrid blocked artery. Broke down the set. Apologized to Evan and cried. Got really nauseous and had a horrible headache. Bad, bad night.

Friday: Set up in I. Falls. Got done fairly early, not a bad day at all. Went to the Border Bar with Mike, he had two whiskey sours and I got jealous that I couldn't get drunk after the shitty week I've had. Ate dinner, went to the hotel. Can't remember if I called in my numbers or not, though. *shrug* If I didn't, Deb should call. Pack up all my useless crap.

Saturday: Early ass day. Was supposed to get a break around 2, but a couple needed to go and was going to come back around three. No big deal. Then another couple walked out saying they'd be back at two. Frustrating, but what do you do? At one, a couple said they'd be right back, they were just going home to change. They came back at two. I got NO break. Mike was great about it, he got me some mozzarella sticks from the Border Bar to munch. The insipid beastly crackwhore retard took an hour to look at her pictures, had me price out a $400 package for her, and bought only $136 worth. Then made me wait while her husband ran home to get the money for it. So our last shoot was at 4:30, but I didn't get done till 6. Stupid whore. She smells like a warm dumpster. At least she wasn't as bad as the old lady who smelled like feces and hot spinach. Uch. At least we get to leave everything set up for two weeks. Hell yeah. Then got to drive 4 1/2 hours home. I hit a really humongous bug after DL, though. One of those suckers you see before it hits the windshield."

"So here was my original schedule for work this week: Battle Lake First Lutheran on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Then have a four-day weekend.

Get there around noon-ish Tuesday. Unload everything, set up everything. Originally ran behind to run to DQ, our fault. Not a big deal. Mike goes to shoot the gray card (a card which aligns the camera and adjusts the color accuracy), presses the button, and... Nothing. Shoots the card, but no flash. Tries multiple times to shoot the gray card, nada. Reboots the system. Nada. Call emergency tech guy, also named Mike. Techie Mike helps Mike go through the process of attempting to fix lighting. Nada. Techie Mike says, "You're not shooting today, I'll overnight you a new part tomorrow to the church."

An unscheduled day off; sort of. Get to tell a bunch of geezers that they have to call 30-some families and tell them they'll have to come back Friday. So much for my four-day weekend. Drive home.

Come back at 1 on Wednesday, since the dumb whores have us starting early. (Scheduled us at 2:05 without prior approval; we are only supposed to be scheduled from 2:30 to 9:00.) Get there at 1; the part isn't there. Funny, overnight FedEx is usually guaranteed by noon the next day. Call techie Mike to get the tracking number. He tracks it and then tells us, "Oh, I guess because Battle Lake is so far from the nearest FedEx, it isn't guaranteed until 4:30."

WHAAAAAAAAAT???!!!

So the whores begin calling people and cancelling through 3; part arrives at 2. Was able to start shooting by 2:30. They were able to get a hold of everyone and told them to come in. So we begin our day 1/2 an hour behind schedule. Then two couples took about an hour apiece to pick their pictures. Which put me severely behind. But we survived the day. Oh, yes. The butt-bitches also scheduled us after nine. Just 9:10, but still!! It says, in bold lettering after the last appointment spot on the schedule sheet: "DO NOT SCHEDULE PAST WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL FROM PAUL SWANSON". But we made it out barely alive around 11. Then drive home to Fargo, which is an hour if I speed. (Meaning I go 90 in a 70.) Then to notice they also scheduled us early Thursday. And payroll fucked up Mike and I's checks. I got a check for $627. I was like, yeah! I'm gonna go see Dana! Mike calls me. He got a check for $59. Payroll paid me for BOTH our checks, and won't split this up so I get his part deducted from my check next week. So I don't get to see Dana. That added to my already fucked day. But Evan has to go out of town around the 26-29, so I'm thinking maybe I can drop him off and spend that three-day weekend in Minneapolis. Maybe. But we don't know where this town is, so gotta research it first. *sigh*

So we show at 1:30, start on time at 2, and I'm noticing that there are a LOT of aces. Wednesday was pretty good, even for being behind. But Thursday NO ONE was buying. Then to have Mike tell me that the stupid fucking butt dumpling whore upstairs is telling people, "If you don't want to spend a lot of time down there, just tell her you want the free 8X10 and nothing else." Thanks, bitch. We have to go out of our way, spend a half tank of gas every day and work our ASSES off so you can get this free directory, and you have the fucking GALL to fuck us out of our paycheck!? Bitch. Our average SUCKED Thursday. And they scheduled us at 9:30!!! Yes, I feel the need to use excessive caps. And lots of exclamation points. I'm very upset. Left there in a very gloomy, to say the least, mood.

Today we arrived at 2 without checking to see if they scheduled us early. Fuck them, we'll start when we're ready. The coordinator was being such a bitch. It wasn't like we could do anything to fix the fucking equipment! Today sucked ass too; There was this bastard ass kid who wailed. Wailed isn't even the right word. He was screaming bloody murder the whole fucking way through the shoot. Then his mom just took the free 8x10. Our averages sucked today too; that's what I hate about small towns. Everyone talks too damn much. It doesn't help that the average age of someone who lives there is 69. Old batty geezers. Gah, I'm NEVER, EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER going back to Battle Lake as long as I live. This has been one of the shittiest work weeks I have EVER had. Nothing tops this, nothing. And people were rude, too. Crochetey old fucks."

"Oh, and this woman stopped by yesterday. She was from Lifetouch. She told me that they had a 'few' complaints of customers feeling pressured... Huh? I don't think I pressure anyone to buy anything. Then she tells me that one complaint was from the daughter of some retarded couple who placed a huge order. Apparently they couldn't afford it, and I get blamed for them being tards. Even Mike was just stunned to hear that. He said, "You can go in and watch her. She sticks to the script, and she's really easygoing. I've never seen her pressure anyone." Okay, here is what I say when I want them to tell me what they want me to price out.

"Just so that I can share some pricing with you, I'd like you to create a wishlist for me. Now, this is not by any means an order, nor are you obligated to buy anything that you ask me to price. This is also completely editable at anytime, before or after I price everything out."

Yes, I can just hear the pressure oozing out of that statement."