It's Frodo Vito, bitches. That sounds like an Italian gangster.

So, first off, I have some amends to make.

First, I apologize for not writing yesterday. I wanted to, I really did, but I was kind of busy writing up some legal paperwork. I have to do my job, too. Cause, you know, I get paid for that. Also, I didn't have anything interesting to write about.

Second, if any of you were confused by my Twitter widget; take comfort. I was confused too. I had to remove it, because the stupid widget was showing someone else's tweets. Fucking widget.

Now, on to the main event! Last night was the season premiere of Dancing With The Stars!

It was the boys' night last night, and it was a fair night for the guys. I was a total dorkalicious geekoid, I took freaking notes.

SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU GUYS?! I TOOK FREAKING NOTES SO I COULD REMEMBER THE FUNNY SHIT THAT HAPPENED!

Erf was amused by my note-taking. He made fun of me. What I do for you people...

Anyhow, first up to take the floor was Aaron Carter, Nick's younger brother. Aaron is all grown up, even if he is the youngest contestant this year. He first danced the Cha Cha Cha. He needs more hip. Something tells me if he asked Brian from BSB to help him, he might get a bit more action going on down there. He's a good-looking kid. He should know how to use his hips by now. Then he almost dropped Karina at the end. I laughed a lot. He got a 22 from the judge's score for his Cha Cha, and the #1 score of 10 for the Viennese Waltz relay dance.

Next was Chuck Lidell. He's a UFC fighter. He performed the Foxtrot. Well, he went through the steps at least. He looked petrified. This dude embeds other men's teeth in his fucking knuckles for a living, and he was afraid of dancing! He was very shy, he's got some potential, and he definitely ramped it up in the Salsa relay. He's not a ballroom dancer, for sure, but he did fairly well on the Latin round! He got 16 for the Foxtrot and a 6 in the relay round.

Seriously, I love Mark Dacaskos. He does Kung Fu and he's the guy who hosts Iron Chef. And he's motherfucking funny! And, more importantly, he's GOOD! I mean, he danced the Cha Cha Cha to Kung Fu Fighting, how awesome is that?! Good hips, energetic, smooth, and nice arms. He had excellent posture in the Waltz relay as well. 21 for the Cha Cha and 8 for the relay.

Poor Ashley Hamilton. He's an actor, and son of George Hamilton, the Oompa Loompa with giant bleach white teeth who was on a few seasons ago. Ashley was in a car accident a while ago where bone from his skull got embedded in his brain, so his left side is a bit slow in his Foxtrot. He had a good smile, but no real pizazz. George, he knows how to entertain. Ashley, not so much. He didn't fare much better in the Salsa relay. 15 for the Foxtrot, 4 for the relay.

Donny Osmond. I am having a love/loathe relationship with you. You and Marie, you annoy the bile out of me. But seriously? You're entertaining. I mean, you danced the Foxtrot to All That Jazz, and I love that song. Fucker. And damn it, you were smooth and confident. And I loved it. And your Salsa relay was great too. You bastard. 20 for the Foxtrot, 10 for the relay.

Snowboarder Louis Vito took to the floor next. How do you follow Donny? Well, apparently, by being a hobbit. Louis is 5'5", and Bruno called him a hobbit on the dance floor. I almost pissed myself. His foxtrot was awkward and he wouldn't stay off those damned heels. His Salsa relay fared better, even if his hips were stiff. 19 for the Foxtrot, 8 for the relay.

Michael Irvin... Oh, you have a long legacy to follow. Jerry Rice, for one, has a big shadow and large heels to fill. Football players have a history of being fantastic on this show, and you're a Wide Receiver for the Cowboys. Jerry, he was a WR too. But poor you, Michael. You got shafted with the new professional. I think she was a bit nervous to show what she could really do with him, and I hope that her choreography improves next week. Your Cha Cha Cha did not impress me, though you have some potential. Your arms were as limp as Lorena Bobbitt's husband's dick. Or the dick of that guy who raped a chick on Grey's Anatomy and she bit off the tip of his penis. (Which, awesome) You had a bit more charm during the Viennese Waltz relay, but I hope Anna ramps up the choreography. Let's see you whip it out of the park, dude. 13 for the Cha Cha, 6 for the relay.

Last, but not least, Tom DeLay... Former House Majority leader. I think the judges would have been harsher if they hadn't been afraid that Tom knows people at the IRS. And by people, I mean Mafia. His Cha Cha Cha was cute, he has a bit of a charm to him, but his ass looked like he was wearing Depends. I think it was honestly just the way his shirt was tucked in and the fact that he was wearing poo brown, but still. He's conservative on the dance floor, and he needs to let go more. He really is a charmer, and his Viennese Waltz was much smoother. I think he'll be interesting to watch progress in the ballroom rounds. But the Latin rounds? Eh. 16 for the Cha Cha, 4 for the relay.

Tonight, the girls perform. I'm psyched to watch Mya, Melissa Joan Hart and Kelly Osbourne. Seriously, Mya? Bitch was in Chicago and did Lady Marmalade! She's gonna whip ass, I think. We'll see tonight... :)

And for those who love TV ratings risers, they're having a tribute to Patrick Swayze on Wednesday's results show.

Cue: Awww....

Now, back to work. I have a job to do, people.